Europe: stars and soggy bottoms

[Amerikosskiy_xyu]

http://economist.com/daily/columns/europeview/displaystory.cfm?story_id=8491837


Europe.view

Stars and soggy bottoms
Jan 4th 2007
From Economist.com

A new-year salvo of bouquets and brickbats


STAR in the making: Toomas Hendrik Ilves, president of Estonia. Suave, savvy and cynical, this Swedish-born, American-educated political heavyweight has returned from a big job at the European Parliament to put his pint-sized country on the map. Whether delivering the West’s message to Mikheil Saakashvili of Georgia (“Misha: just shut the **** up”), charming George Bush, or hobnobbing with Carl Bildt, his Swedish foreign-minister chum, Mr Ilves had a flying start in 2006 and will be the ex-captive nations’ best spokesman in 2007.

Biggest disappointment: Poland’s Law and Justice government, which wasted most of 2006 in political intrigue. The dropping of a popular prime minister, Kazimierz Marcinkiewicz, was an unforgivable display of jealousy by Law and Justice’s party leader, Jaroslaw Kaczynski. His own lacklustre and devious performance in the top job has since highlighted his predecessor’s merits. Poland’s prickly and incompetent foreign policy is a black hole in the heart of Europe.

Most worrying trend: Between the Baltic, Black and Adriatic seas there is not a single strong reforming government. Drift, muddle and sleaze were the hallmarks of 2006. Internal and external pressure ought to bring better government—but in some countries political meltdown is a serious danger. Russia’s divide-and-rule policy, of flattery, cheap gas and bribes, is nobbling Slovakia, Hungary, Bulgaria and Slovenia. Post-communist elites are wired for quick deals and personal gain, not long-term national interest. The Kremlin knows this.

Politics of the gutter award: Given jointly to Ferenc Gyurcsany, prime minister of Hungary, for admitting that his government had lied, and for turning a blind eye to police brutality; and to Hungary's opposition leader, Viktor Orban, for cynical populism and mystifyingly authoritarian socialist-style policies.

Unsung heroes: Another joint award, to Gediminas Kirkilas, Lithuania’s prime minister, whose minority administration has surpassed all expectations; and to his old friend and ally, the conservative opposition leader, Andrius Kubilius. A rare example of personal friendship and patriotism surmounting party interest.

Loser: Abandoned by the West, and with a defeatist political elite unable to look beyond Russia, Moldova is sinking. If any post-communist country faces real collapse, it is this one. Nothing seems to be working in its favour, save that its neighbour, Romania, has just joined the EU.

Eurocrat of the year: Andris Piebalgs, the EU’s energy commissioner, a sparkling advertisement for the post-communist countries’ political abilities. Unlike most of his fellow commissioners, he understands both the technicalities of his brief and its political dimensions, and has the nerve to take on the powerful energy lobbies in Europe’s biggest countries who are as contemptuous of politicians as they are cowardly towards Russia. Clone him.

Most clubbable country: Slovenia, post-communist Europe’s most prosperous state, has joined the euro-zone, proving that the common currency need not remain an “old Europe” club. A cautious sort of place: Slovenes talk like Estonians, but act like Austrians.

Soggy bottom: Croatia’s sullen and obstructive approach to pluralism, media freedom and the rule of law remains an alarming pothole on the road to further EU enlargement. Nobody wants to upset the murky and convenient status quo.

Symbolic triumph: Radek Sikorski, Poland’s defence minister, switched his ministry’s entire wine order to Georgia. If the Georgian wine industry gets its act together on quality control and deliveries, that will be the tipple of choice to celebrate 2008.

Big question: East-west migration. The worst-governed ex-communist countries have lost a million people or more to emigration. Now local job markets are tight, and wages are rising, but not enough to attract many migrants back. The opportunities and the quality of government are still so much better in western Europe. Until that gap narrows, worries of depopulation in the east, and overcrowding in the west, will grow.

[DIU]

http://www.exile.ru/2006-December-29/the_year_russia_schooled_the_west.html

2006: The Year Russia Schooled The West
Russia's Report Card For The 2006 Academic Year

By eXile Staff


This past year was a watershed both for Russia and for Russia's detractors alike. As they used to say after 9/11, "everything's changed." Although not exactly how the West imagined it.
For the first time since Mikhail Gorbachev launched his doomed Perestroika reforms, Russia returned to its rightful place as the White World's Bogeyman, annoying the living sh*t out of every self-righteous, ******ly-frustrated Western missionary with its mixture of menace and mo'. Playing up its new role as something like a cross between Bugs Bunny, the Tasmanian Devil, and P Diddy, Russia is now officially "confident," the biggest sin a country could possibly commit if said country attained its confidence while mooning the West.
In this end-of-the-year issue of The eXile, we look back at 2006: The Year Russia Schooled The West. And looking back at each major event as if it was a university course, we issue Russia its bestest, and most-annoyingest, report card ever.
Below is Russia's report card in each subject in which it competed with The West. We at the eXile hope that by reprinting this report card in an open and transparent manner, that the lessons learned will assist all of us in the New Year.
SUBJECT: Fingerpainting 121
http://www.exile.ru/transient/254/lead.jpg
Course Description: Remember all those so-called "Color Revolutions" which were sweeping the former East Bloc and Soviet countries, turning them from supposedly backwards, Russia-dominated failed states into happy, pro-Western "orange" or "yellow" or "rose"-colored nations? Welp, 2006 was the year that Russia decided to "Paint It Black." That's right, in 2006, Russia's Near Abroad overthrew all those bright, ditzy pro-Western colors to return to its natural, serious, Russia-friendly gray. Here is a sample of the color mixing chart:
*Ukrainian Orange. In the 2006 elections, "yesterday's" candidate Viktor Yanukovich ate the pro-Western faction for lunch, winning the largest bloc in the Rada, and eventually taking over the government, revealing every neo-liberal's pock-marked hero Viktor Yuschenko for the spineless, corrupt fool that he is;
*Kyrgyzstan Yellow. Last year's "Tulip Revolution" started looking bad from the moment the savages from Osh overpowered Western-backed NGO-er types. But this is the year that the yellow faded to gray. President Bakayev's tilt towards Russia has turned into a stampede, with demands that the US pay increasingly more for its Manas Airfield base, and now, demands that the US hand over the jughead who smoked a Kyrgyz truck driver. Bakayev is also moving Kyrgyzstan enthusiastically into the anti-Western Shanghai Cooperation Agreement alliance, joining up with...
*Uzbekistan. This hearty li'l Central Asian country's near-revolution never even had time to acquire a color before Uzbek President Karimov colored everything first a very deep crimson red (with chunks of pink), and then, after the bloodbath, a very pro-Russian gray. Indeed, Karimov, who until last year was America's bestest buddy in the whole authoritarian world, has since closed down America's base, thrown out all the special forces and spies and NGO's, and joined up with the Shanghai Five. What's funny about this artistic switcheroo is that even after last year's massacre in Andizhan, the Bush Administration tried to sweep it under the carpet and make it seem as if nothing all that bad really happened. But Karimov sniffed a hint of color, and that was it: later, West!
*Georgia. This country ain't smelling like roses anymore, ever since Russia shipped back all of the Georgian gasterbeiters, banned its wines and mineral water, and shored up the breakaway republics of South Ossetia and Abkhazia, ensuring that those conflicts remain frozen 'n gray for a long time to come. The result? No NATO, no EU, and in fact, no nuthin'.
Schooling Grade: A-. Russia swiped three countries in its Near Abroad from the West, and bitch-slapped a fourth.
SUBJECT: Geology 2a
Course Description: 'Twas a time when the West thought it could sucker Russia into handing over its rich natural resources on-the-cheap in the name of (take your pick): "free markets"; "breaking up monopolies"; "Western know-how"; "free trade"; "increasing efficiency"; "transparency"; "NAME-OF-CURRENTLY-FASHIONABLE-SCAM HERE." Somehow, the Russians got wise and decided not only to keep as much of their sh*t as possible, but this year, they even did the once-unthinkable: they started booting Western oil companies out of choice deals like Sakhalin-2, turning Russia into Suckalin-Infinity for notorious blood-stained oil exploiters like Shell (which pays death squads to protect its fields in Nigeria), British Petroleum (which is destroying Alaska), Total (which is French), Exxon (which already destroyed Alaska) and others. Mwah-hah-hah.
Schooling Grade: A. Russia took back billions of dollars worth of oil assets from the greediest, nastiest companies in the world, simply by being nastier and greedier...and armed-ier.
SUBJECT: Legal Studies 201
Course Description: When the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, one of the main goals of the crusading Western missionaries was to introduce something like "ethics" into Russia's savage culture. After all, the West was transparent, legalistic, and essentially free of corruption, whereas Russia was barbarically corrupt in ways we poor Westerners could never understand...or become. That fiction is now officially over. Won't you please give a big "Willkommen!" to Herr Gerhardt Schroeder, the former German Prime Minister who this year (well, it was announced last year, but for the purposes of this class, we'll say it happened this year) officially got himself bought. What happened was when Schroeder was PM, he approved building a $5 billion gas pipeline bypassing pesky Poland; then when Schroeder was booted out of office, he accepted a high-paying position to head the pipeline consortium. Proving that in fact, it was Russia which would teach the West how to be corrupt in an unhypocritical way, which is very difficult for us.
Schooling Grade: A-. If Schroeder could sum up this lesson using only German ****star words, he would bellow, "Das ist fantastische, ja!"
SUBJECT: Finance 10
Course Description: In the 1990s, the West tried training Russia on the rules of capital markets. Then Russia collapsed in 1998, and the West said the consequences would be dire and they'd never get their money again. A couple of years later, Western funds were pouring into oil juggernaut Yukos...only to have the entire company destroyed and its assets stolen by the state. The West said that the consequences would be dire. So then Russia took the assets that they stole from the West, repackaged those stolen assets as Rosneft, and...ta-da! Rosneft turned out to be the largest IPOs ever for an energy major, raising over $10 billion in its listing on the London Stock Exchange, giving the company an $80 billion value.
Schooling Grade: A+. The lesson learned is that the West will buy literally anything from Russia, including their own stolen bicycles.
SUBJECT: Physics 30A
Course Description: For the last 20 years, Russian arms have suffered the twin indignity of being considered a). a joke, and b). pushed out of its natural markets by a selectively-moralizing West which doesn't like competition, and so imposes sanctions on countries whose arms markets are closed off, naming them "rogue nations." Over the past few years, Russia stopped caring about which countries the West didn't want it to send arms to. Russian arms exports soared to $6 billion this past year, while at least another $18 billion in future contracts have been signed, including with such rogue states as Venezuela and, reportedly, Iran. Moreover, in the proxy war between Hezbollah and Israel, Russian RPG-29 anti-tank grenades and other anti-tank weapons schooled American-backed Israel all the way to the surrender-yard.
Schooling Grade: A+. The lesson learned is that if Russia doesn't listen to the West and sells its arms to whomever, its arms will get sold, and the West will do nothing about it.
SUBJECT: Civics 55
Course Description: Remember all those Western-backed NGOs that popped up in this part of the world as soon as the Soviet Union fell? You know, because they were designed to give Russia "non-biased" and "non-profit" advice to gently guide it along a path to a democratic society by providing a non-partisan counterbalance to red-Soviet/Stalinist inbred ways? The same NGOs which formed the backbone of every "Color Revolution" (see "Fingerpainting 121" above) are now consigned to the bone yard. Russia is and has always been the undefeated intelligence-gathering/disinformation champion of the world. Do they think that disguising Western spy nests with harmless sounding names and giving them democratic-sounding missions, like Amnesty International or the British Council, can fool the ever-vigilant Russian intelligence services? Unfazed at being labeled "increasingly authoritarian," Russia enacted legislation giving it the power to shut down foreign-funded NGOs at will. And shut 'em down they will! Federal Security Service chief Nikolai Patrushev said it straight: "Foreign NGO's are being used to spy on Russia." And just to rub it in, Russia humiliated the MI6 by publicly broadcasting surveillance footage of a British diplomat kicking an electronic "rock." What were you guys thinking?
Schooling Grade: A+. Russia wasn't fooled by the West's trickery. You done been schooled, beeyatches!
SUBJECT: Physical Ed 233
Course Description: Back in the glory days of the Soviet Union, Russians who emigrated abroad knew that they still had to show respect for their country, or else... Defectors knew that no matter where they go or what they do, if they f*cked with Mother Russia, she would f*ck them back a thousand fold. But ever since Gorbachev turned Russia into a giant frozen pussy, Russian defectors seeking refuge seemed to forget about those times... This year, Russia reversed a 16-year-old trend. Just to make sure everyone noticed, they done went 'n whacked a former KGB officer, Putin critic and recent British citizen Litvinenko. They didn't have to do it. It wasn't like Litvinenko was a threat. But they did it anyway, just because they could. What's really cool is that it wasn't just a boring bullet-in -- the -- head whack-job, but what everyone is fearfully calling the first instance of "nuclear terrorism." How f*cking bad-ass is that?! And just so no one gets any ideas, Russia pimp-slapped US authorities into briefly detaining Leonid Nevzlin, the former CEO of Yukos, on an Interpol warrant.
Schooling Grade: A. Russia rediscovered that fear equals respect.
SUBJECT: Military History 1
Course Description: Let's take two examples. Example #1: After four wretched, failed years of war, America, bleeding its strength to the breaking point, is considering adding yet another 20,000 troops into the Iraq quagmire, with no hope of success. Meanwhile, 2006 is the year NATO lost Afghanistan to the Taliban. Now take Example #2: After successfully pacifying a region once considered the most dangerous, unpacifiable region in the world, Chechnya in 2006 announced that it's getting ready for...get this!... tourist season! Yeah, that's right. Chechnya's Prime Minister Ramzan Kadyrov is laying out plans to build hotels and campgrounds linked by bus route countries such as Germany and Belgium.
Schooling Grade: A+. Putin showed the world that a few years of focused genocide combined with a ruthless semi-puppet strongman equals stability, peace, and calm. For now, at least. How long will it take the West to learn this bitter, unpleasant lesson? As long as it takes the West to get over its denial about itself as an imperial power.
SUBJECT: Political Science 301 (Seminar)
Course Description: As Chirac, Blair and Bush see the lowest ratings of their long political careers and face the harshest criticism ever in the twilight years of their political service, President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin stands in stark contrast, with over a 70% approval rating. Yes, Pootie-Poot is still the undisputed political hero of Russia. Bush should stop looking into his soul, and instead look into his political playbook. You know what he'd find? That he doesn't understand a single f*cking word. Indeed, Putin's high ratings seem to rise with the level of criticism he gets from the West for being undemocratic.
Schooling Grade: A+. This is one lesson the West can't possibly learn. It's called "giving the people what they want. No matter how savage."
SUBJECT: Urban Studies 32A
Course Description: In the West, illegal immigration and the changing face of white countries has caused all sorts of backlash, including "English-only" hot dog stands and city council ordinances, racist "Minutemen" militia units fake-patrolling the Arizona border, and a few Congressmen losing their seats. Or in Europe, it's taken the form of the odd ******ly-ambiguous "far-right" party taking another seat or two in a local city council election. So how does Russia deal with illegal immigrants? Easy: it deported the entire Georgian population in a week and shut down all their markets. And once in awhile, it had a pogrom. That's how you take care of illegal immigrants. If you're not a bitch-nation, that is.
Schooling Grade: A-. Um...is this particular joke even funny? Oh, right, yeah. Of course it is. Heh-heh.
SUBJECT: Economics 101
Course Description: For decades, every Russian longed for "valyuti," hard currency. They wiped their ass with the ruble, which constantly sank in value compared to the dollar. And then 2006 came around. That's George W. Bush's sixth year in office. Which meant, of course, that the dollar has replaced the ruble as the sick currency of the world. This year, the ruble rose to its highest level in seven years. Meanwhile, the Russian economy is posting yet another banner year of growth compared to America and the EU, and its stock market continues to soar.
Schooling Grade: A. Are we ready yet to admit that we Western expats are economic refugees living in an increasingly-wealthy Russia?
Note: The report card above was entirely the work of The Exile Foundation, a non-profit think-tank which only takes funds from private Moscow strip clubs, as well as any of Doug's great restaurants. However, that's not to say that we aren't willing to take Kremlin money in return for promoting Russia. We are. So if anyone from the Kremlin is reading this article, and they would like us to re-print this "report card" sans the mordant irony, then please wire the appropriate "gift" to our off-shore bank accounts in Jersey, and believe us you, there won't be a shred of irony in the entire newspaper. We're sure you already know our offshore bank account numbers. So come on, just do it. We await your recovery from the January zapoi...na zdarove!

[Thor]

Yes, we have all heard about this School of Xenophobia and Inferiority Complex..

This is like Pravda anno 2007, amazing. :)

[DIU]

Yes, we have all heard about this School of Xenophobia and Inferiority Complex..

This is like Pravda anno 2007, amazing. :)

Full of Polonium and Stalinist lies?:roll: rofl

[nick_ua]

This past year was a watershed both for Russia and for Russia's detractors alike. As they used to say after 9/11, "everything's changed." Although not exactly how the West imagined it.

For the first time since Mikhail Gorbachev launched his doomed Perestroika reforms, Russia returned to its rightful place as the White World's Bogeyman, annoying the living **** out of every self-righteous, ******ly-frustrated Western missionary with its mixture of menace and mo'. Playing up its new role as something like a cross between Bugs Bunny, the Tasmanian Devil, and P Diddy, Russia is now officially "confident," the biggest sin a country could possibly commit if said country attained its confidence while mooning the West.

In this end-of-the-year issue of The eXile, we look back at 2006: The Year Russia Schooled The West. And looking back at each major event as if it was a university course, we issue Russia its bestest, and most-annoyingest, report card ever.

Below is Russia's report card in each subject in which it competed with The West. We at the eXile hope that by reprinting this report card in an open and transparent manner, that the lessons learned will assist all of us in the New Year.

SUBJECT: Fingerpainting 121

Course Description: Remember all those so-called "Color Revolutions" which were sweeping the former East Bloc and Soviet countries, turning them from supposedly backwards, Russia-dominated failed states into happy, pro-Western "orange" or "yellow" or "rose"-colored nations? Welp, 2006 was the year that Russia decided to "Paint It Black." That's right, in 2006, Russia's Near Abroad overthrew all those bright, ditzy pro-Western colors to return to its natural, serious, Russia-friendly gray. Here is a sample of the color mixing chart:

*Ukrainian Orange. In the 2006 elections, "yesterday's" candidate Viktor Yanukovich ate the pro-Western faction for lunch, winning the largest bloc in the Rada, and eventually taking over the government, revealing every neo-liberal's pock-marked hero Viktor Yuschenko for the spineless, corrupt fool that he is;

*Kyrgyzstan Yellow. Last year's "Tulip Revolution" started looking bad from the moment the savages from Osh overpowered Western-backed NGO-er types. But this is the year that the yellow faded to gray. President Bakayev's tilt towards Russia has turned into a stampede, with demands that the US pay increasingly more for its Manas Airfield base, and now, demands that the US hand over the jughead who smoked a Kyrgyz truck driver. Bakayev is also moving Kyrgyzstan enthusiastically into the anti-Western Shanghai Cooperation Agreement alliance, joining up with...

*Uzbekistan. This hearty li'l Central Asian country's near-revolution never even had time to acquire a color before Uzbek President Karimov colored everything first a very deep crimson red (with chunks of pink), and then, after the bloodbath, a very pro-Russian gray. Indeed, Karimov, who until last year was America's bestest buddy in the whole authoritarian world, has since closed down America's base, thrown out all the special forces and spies and NGO's, and joined up with the Shanghai Five. What's funny about this artistic switcheroo is that even after last year's massacre in Andizhan, the Bush Administration tried to sweep it under the carpet and make it seem as if nothing all that bad really happened. But Karimov sniffed a hint of color, and that was it: later, West!

*Georgia. This country ain't smelling like roses anymore, ever since Russia shipped back all of the Georgian gasterbeiters, banned its wines and mineral water, and shored up the breakaway republics of South Ossetia and Abkhazia, ensuring that those conflicts remain frozen 'n gray for a long time to come. The result? No NATO, no EU, and in fact, no nuthin'.

Schooling Grade: A-. Russia swiped three countries in its Near Abroad from the West, and bitch-slapped a fourth.

SUBJECT: Geology 2a

Course Description: 'Twas a time when the West thought it could sucker Russia into handing over its rich natural resources on-the-cheap in the name of (take your pick): "free markets"; "breaking up monopolies"; "Western know-how"; "free trade"; "increasing efficiency"; "transparency"; "NAME-OF-CURRENTLY-FASHIONABLE-SCAM HERE." Somehow, the Russians got wise and decided not only to keep as much of their **** as possible, but this year, they even did the once-unthinkable: they started booting Western oil companies out of choice deals like Sakhalin-2, turning Russia into Suckalin-Infinity for notorious blood-stained oil exploiters like Shell (which pays death squads to protect its fields in Nigeria), British Petroleum (which is destroying Alaska), Total (which is French), Exxon (which already destroyed Alaska) and others. Mwah-hah-hah.

Schooling Grade: A. Russia took back billions of dollars worth of oil assets from the greediest, nastiest companies in the world, simply by being nastier and greedier...and armed-ier.

SUBJECT: Legal Studies 201

Course Description: When the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, one of the main goals of the crusading Western missionaries was to introduce something like "ethics" into Russia's savage culture. After all, the West was transparent, legalistic, and essentially free of corruption, whereas Russia was barbarically corrupt in ways we poor Westerners could never understand...or become. That fiction is now officially over. Won't you please give a big "Willkommen!" to Herr Gerhardt Schroeder, the former German Prime Minister who this year (well, it was announced last year, but for the purposes of this class, we'll say it happened this year) officially got himself bought. What happened was when Schroeder was PM, he approved building a $5 billion gas pipeline bypassing pesky Poland; then when Schroeder was booted out of office, he accepted a high-paying position to head the pipeline consortium. Proving that in fact, it was Russia which would teach the West how to be corrupt in an unhypocritical way, which is very difficult for us.

Schooling Grade: A-. If Schroeder could sum up this lesson using only German ****star words, he would bellow, "Das ist fantastische, ja!"

SUBJECT: Finance 10

Course Description: In the 1990s, the West tried training Russia on the rules of capital markets. Then Russia collapsed in 1998, and the West said the consequences would be dire and they'd never get their money again. A couple of years later, Western funds were pouring into oil juggernaut Yukos...only to have the entire company destroyed and its assets stolen by the state. The West said that the consequences would be dire. So then Russia took the assets that they stole from the West, repackaged those stolen assets as Rosneft, and...ta-da! Rosneft turned out to be the largest IPOs ever for an energy major, raising over $10 billion in its listing on the London Stock Exchange, giving the company an $80 billion value.

Schooling Grade: A+. The lesson learned is that the West will buy literally anything from Russia, including their own stolen bicycles.

SUBJECT: Physics 30A

Course Description: For the last 20 years, Russian arms have suffered the twin indignity of being considered a). a joke, and b). pushed out of its natural markets by a selectively-moralizing West which doesn't like competition, and so imposes sanctions on countries whose arms markets are closed off, naming them "rogue nations." Over the past few years, Russia stopped caring about which countries the West didn't want it to send arms to. Russian arms exports soared to $6 billion this past year, while at least another $18 billion in future contracts have been signed, including with such rogue states as Venezuela and, reportedly, Iran. Moreover, in the proxy war between Hezbollah and Israel, Russian RPG-29 anti-tank grenades and other anti-tank weapons schooled American-backed Israel all the way to the surrender-yard.

Schooling Grade: A+. The lesson learned is that if Russia doesn't listen to the West and sells its arms to whomever, its arms will get sold, and the West will do nothing about it.

SUBJECT: Civics 55

Course Description: Remember all those Western-backed NGOs that popped up in this part of the world as soon as the Soviet Union fell? You know, because they were designed to give Russia "non-biased" and "non-profit" advice to gently guide it along a path to a democratic society by providing a non-partisan counterbalance to red-Soviet/Stalinist inbred ways? The same NGOs which formed the backbone of every "Color Revolution" (see "Fingerpainting 121" above) are now consigned to the bone yard. Russia is and has always been the undefeated intelligence-gathering/disinformation champion of the world. Do they think that disguising Western spy nests with harmless sounding names and giving them democratic-sounding missions, like Amnesty International or the British Council, can fool the ever-vigilant Russian intelligence services? Unfazed at being labeled "increasingly authoritarian," Russia enacted legislation giving it the power to shut down foreign-funded NGOs at will. And shut 'em down they will! Federal Security Service chief Nikolai Patrushev said it straight: "Foreign NGO's are being used to spy on Russia." And just to rub it in, Russia humiliated the MI6 by publicly broadcasting surveillance footage of a British diplomat kicking an electronic "rock." What were you guys thinking?

Schooling Grade: A+. Russia wasn't fooled by the West's trickery. You done been schooled, beeyatches!

SUBJECT: Physical Ed 233

Course Description: Back in the glory days of the Soviet Union, Russians who emigrated abroad knew that they still had to show respect for their country, or else... Defectors knew that no matter where they go or what they do, if they ****ed with Mother Russia, she would **** them back a thousand fold. But ever since Gorbachev turned Russia into a giant frozen pussy, Russian defectors seeking refuge seemed to forget about those times... This year, Russia reversed a 16-year-old trend. Just to make sure everyone noticed, they done went 'n whacked a former KGB officer, Putin critic and recent British citizen Litvinenko. They didn't have to do it. It wasn't like Litvinenko was a threat. But they did it anyway, just because they could. What's really cool is that it wasn't just a boring bullet-in -- the -- head whack-job, but what everyone is fearfully calling the first instance of "nuclear terrorism." How ****ing bad-ass is that?! And just so no one gets any ideas, Russia pimp-slapped US authorities into briefly detaining Leonid Nevzlin, the former CEO of Yukos, on an Interpol warrant.

Schooling Grade: A. Russia rediscovered that fear equals respect.

SUBJECT: Military History 1

Course Description: Let's take two examples. Example #1: After four wretched, failed years of war, America, bleeding its strength to the breaking point, is considering adding yet another 20,000 troops into the Iraq quagmire, with no hope of success. Meanwhile, 2006 is the year NATO lost Afghanistan to the Taliban. Now take Example #2: After successfully pacifying a region once considered the most dangerous, unpacifiable region in the world, Chechnya in 2006 announced that it's getting ready for...get this!... tourist season! Yeah, that's right. Chechnya's Prime Minister Ramzan Kadyrov is laying out plans to build hotels and campgrounds linked by bus route countries such as Germany and Belgium.

Schooling Grade: A+. Putin showed the world that a few years of focused genocide combined with a ruthless semi-puppet strongman equals stability, peace, and calm. For now, at least. How long will it take the West to learn this bitter, unpleasant lesson? As long as it takes the West to get over its denial about itself as an imperial power.

SUBJECT: Political Science 301 (Seminar)

Course Description: As Chirac, Blair and Bush see the lowest ratings of their long political careers and face the harshest criticism ever in the twilight years of their political service, President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin stands in stark contrast, with over a 70% approval rating. Yes, Pootie-Poot is still the undisputed political hero of Russia. Bush should stop looking into his soul, and instead look into his political playbook. You know what he'd find? That he doesn't understand a single ****ing word. Indeed, Putin's high ratings seem to rise with the level of criticism he gets from the West for being undemocratic.

Schooling Grade: A+. This is one lesson the West can't possibly learn. It's called "giving the people what they want. No matter how savage."

SUBJECT: Urban Studies 32A

Course Description: In the West, illegal immigration and the changing face of white countries has caused all sorts of backlash, including "English-only" hot dog stands and city council ordinances, racist "Minutemen" militia units fake-patrolling the Arizona border, and a few Congressmen losing their seats. Or in Europe, it's taken the form of the odd ******ly-ambiguous "far-right" party taking another seat or two in a local city council election. So how does Russia deal with illegal immigrants? Easy: it deported the entire Georgian population in a week and shut down all their markets. And once in awhile, it had a pogrom. That's how you take care of illegal immigrants. If you're not a bitch-nation, that is.

Schooling Grade: A-. Um...is this particular joke even funny? Oh, right, yeah. Of course it is. Heh-heh.

SUBJECT: Economics 101

Course Description: For decades, every Russian longed for "valyuti," hard currency. They wiped their ass with the ruble, which constantly sank in value compared to the dollar. And then 2006 came around. That's George W. Bush's sixth year in office. Which meant, of course, that the dollar has replaced the ruble as the sick currency of the world. This year, the ruble rose to its highest level in seven years. Meanwhile, the Russian economy is posting yet another banner year of growth compared to America and the EU, and its stock market continues to soar.

Schooling Grade: A. Are we ready yet to admit that we Western expats are economic refugees living in an increasingly-wealthy Russia?

Note: The report card above was entirely the work of The Exile Foundation, a non-profit think-tank which only takes funds from private Moscow strip clubs, as well as any of Doug's great restaurants. However, that's not to say that we aren't willing to take Kremlin money in return for promoting Russia. We are. So if anyone from the Kremlin is reading this article, and they would like us to re-print this "report card" sans the mordant irony, then please wire the appropriate "gift" to our off-shore bank accounts in Jersey, and believe us you, there won't be a shred of irony in the entire newspaper. We're sure you already know our offshore bank account numbers. So come on, just do it. We await your recovery from the January zapoi...na zdarove!

http://www.exile.ru/2006-December-29/the_year_russia_schooled_the_west.html

[Ngati Tumatauenga]

*Sniff, sniff*

Somethings burning...

[Histy]

No wonder everyone wants to live in Russia

[Yaro]

Repost, already posted in this thread by DIU.

http://www.militaryphotos.net/forums/showthread.php?t=101909

[Carib]

Total (which is French)

lmao

[Xaito]

nice and funny article - it focuses only on the positive (for russia) achievements of russia but what do you expect if the rest of the world already focuses on the negative.

[Sato]

Funny article! The writer lacks some "political-corectness", and I love it !



Schooling Grade: A. Russia took back billions of dollars worth of oil assets from the greediest, nastiest companies in the world, simply by being nastier and greedier...and armed-ier.

Schooling Grade: A+. The lesson learned is that the West will buy literally anything from Russia, including their own stolen bicycles.
rofl

[gaijinsamurai]

Good read.
However, they can gloat all they want, but I'd still choose to live in the USA over Russia (sorry RomanS, no disrespect meant.)

[joshfox0]

rofl great artical made me have a giggle or two.

[daily666]

http://economist.com/daily/columns/europeview/displaystory.cfm?story_id=8491837

Biggest disappointment: Poland’s Law and Justice government, which wasted most of 2006 in political intrigue. The dropping of a popular prime minister, Kazimierz Marcinkiewicz, was an unforgivable display of jealousy by Law and Justice’s party leader, Jaroslaw Kaczynski. His own lacklustre and devious performance in the top job has since highlighted his predecessor’s merits. Poland’s prickly and incompetent foreign policy is a black hole in the heart of Europe.


Quoted for truth! Bloody idiots.

[Noble713]

Schooling Grade: A+. Putin showed the world that a few years of focused genocide combined with a ruthless semi-puppet strongman equals stability, peace, and calm. For now, at least. How long will it take the West to learn this bitter, unpleasant lesson? As long as it takes the West to get over its denial about itself as an imperial power.

rofl Awesome. I should read The eXile more often.

[127th Knights]

This is a pretty damn funny article guys...love the satire

[rjamesinwootton]

i prey for a strong mother russia to once again save us from fascism:roll:

[nick_ua]

No wonder everyone wants to live in Russia
The founder of Exile, if I'm not mistaken and american guy from Santa Cruz California :-)