born_to_kill
05-10-2004, 02:08 AM
ANTI-JOKE'D!
Three women are on an airplane. One's a blonde, ones a red head, one's a brunette. Unfortunately, the plane was going to crash and their was nothing they could do but jump out and parachute to safety. So the captain said to each of the three ladies, "You can only take one of you're possessions when you parachute out of the plane." The blonde says "I will take my watch becau-" But before she could finish her sentence the plane exploded because the flames on the wing had ignited the fuel tank. No one survived.
Q: What did the blind, deaf, mute kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
So, what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Bill Clinton, the Pope and Michael Moore are on a plane that's about to crash. They each grabbed a parachute and jumped to safety.
A man dips his toe into a puddle of water, he pulls back a charred stump.
It was industrial acid. He died from an infection contracted through the burnt flesh.
A bartender walks into a bar and he says "I'm here to start my shift."
What do you call a dog that bounces a few times when you throw him across a lake?
Skippy.
What do you call a dog that doesn't?
Drowny.
What do you call a hispanic working at pizza hut?
An employee.
Q: Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
A: Santa's ***** reminded him of his pedophile father.
Did you hear about the new pirate movie?
It was rated PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
What do you call a black guy in a convience store?
A customer.
Q: A blonde and a brunette jump off a building. Which one hits the ground first?
A: It depends on their weight and drag coefficient.
Q: How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on a bed?
A: Politely ask him to stop.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Because they practice.
*knock, knock*
Who's there?
Lenny
Oh, ok, come right in, I've been expecting you for hours.
One time a boy came home from school and he said to his dad 'Dad I had *** with my teacher.' His dad was like 'Good job.' A few months later the boy died of STDs.
Your momma's so fat because she eats too much and doesn't get proper exercise.
Why did the old man like wool socks?
Because they kept his feet nice and warm.
Who let the dogs out?
Their owner. He took them on a walk.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she lost her arms in a car accident.
Your momma's so fat that the scale reads 364 lbs.
Q. What do you call Hitler?
A. Fascist.
What did the MRI find when it scanned the NFL player's brain?
Nothing, they turned it up too high and killed him.
Why couldn't Sally ride a bike?
Because Sally had Cerebral Palsy.
What's the difference between pastry and soda?
One you eat, one you drink.
Why did the little boy say his prayers every night?
Because every night at 2A.M. when his dad comes home drunk he hears him beat his mom and wonders when he will be next.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The police. Your husband died in a car wreck.
A man goes to the doctor and pokes himself in the leg with his index finger. The man says "Ow! Doctor, it hurts whenever I poke myself here!"
The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again.
Q. What's the difference between michael jackson and a toaster?
A. A toaster makes toast. Michael Jackson molests little boys.
Q. What did the rock say to the river?
A. Nothing, rocks can't talk.
Three blondes walk into a bar...they order some drinks, then leave.
Three men walk into a bar. They're all alcoholics, and they beat their wives.
Two men were walking along when they came across a set of tracks. The first man said "Deer Tracks!" the second said "Rabbit Tracks!".
While they stood there arguing, the train ran both men over.
How do you kill a fox?
Beat it with a stick until its heart stops beating from all the trauma. Death will soon follow.
So a priest, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. They then proceed to molest small children.
What do you call two blonde girls playing catch?
Softball practice.
Person 1: Did you hear about what happened at work today?
Person 2: *Confused expression*
Person 1: Oh thats right your deaf...never mind
A Priest, A pedophile, and a rapist walk in to a bar.. and that was only the first guy....
An Irishman walks past a bar...
Q: Why did the child cross the road?
A: An arsonist set his house ablaze, causing his paraplegic family to die a slow painful fiery death. Their death screams consequently drove the child to madness. A truck hit him, showering the pavement with entrails.
Once there was a man who lived with his family in Africa. They were very poor, and never had enough to eat. One day the man said "I'll run in the Olympics and when I win the gold medal, I'll be able to feed my family!"
He practiced and practiced, but then one day he lost both his legs in a lawnmower accident and never walked again.
An African-American man, a Chinese man, and an Irishman walk into a bar.
What a fine example of a multi-cultural community.
A young man named Bob moves out of his mothers house. He doesn't have much money to make it own his own so he decides to rob a gas station. The manager
of the store has a gun. Bob takes a shotgun blast to the face. He dies.
Q: What happened to the girl who fell while Ice skating?
A: She got a compoud fracture
Q: Why is the sky blue?
A: Light is made up of electromagnetic waves. The distance between 2 crests in this wave is called the wavelength. White light contains all the colors of the rainbow. The amount of light scattered for any given colour depends on the wavelength of that colour. All the colors in white light have different wavelengths. Red light has the longest wavelength. The wavelength of blue light is about half that of red light. This difference in wavelength causes blue light to be scattered nearly ten times more than red light. Lord Rayleigh studied this phenomena in detail. It is caused the Tyndall effect or Rayleigh scattering. Lord Rayleigh also calculated that even without smoke and dust in the atmosphere, the oxygen and nitrogen molecules would still cause the sky to appear blue because of scattering. When blue light waves try to go straight through an oxygen and nitrogen molecules, its light is scattered in all directions because of this collision. This scattered blue light is what makes the sky blue. All other colors (with longer wavelengths than blue light) are scattered too. Blue light's short wavelength causes it to be scattered the most. (The shorther the wavelength of the color, the more that color gets scattered by the atmosphere). Actually, violet has the shortest wavelength of all colors. Violet is scattered even more than blue light. However, our eyes are much more sensitive to see blue than violet, therefore we see the sky as blue. Very little visible light is absorbed by the atmosphere.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It died.
Why did the puppy eat rat poison?
Because he was blind.
Q: What do you call 1000 heavily armed lesbians?
A: An army.
Ask me if I'm an orange.
Are you an orange?
No.
Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A: A pizza is a piece of bread with condiments on top. A Jew is a person of the Jewish religion.
A child stowaway touches down with the plane in Korea. How does he get back to America?
In a coffin. The police shot him.
Q: How do you know it's bed time at Michael Jaskson's house?
A: When Michael Jackson is tired.
Q: What is hard, lasts forever, and is something girls love to have on their body?
A: A diamond.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: Michael Jackson is an award winning musician, a grocery bag is a bag used to transport groceries.
Q: What did the hooker say to the priest?
A: That was a wonderful sermon. I look forward to next Sunday's church service.
Your momma's so fat, she bought an issue of Cosmo for an article on breast self-exams but became deeply depressed when bombarded by page after page of images perpetuating an impossible standard of beauty. That night she skipped dinner and cried herself to sleep.
Your momma's so fat, she tried to go on the Atkins diet but couldn't make it through the induction phase because her cravings for sweets and complex carbohydrates proved too powerful to overcome.
A man is in a car accident, and his genitals are horribly mutilated. When he awakes, the doctor tells him that they can create a new one for him, but it is an expensive operation. The operation costs ?1000 an inch. He is urged to go home and discuss the matter with his wife. The next day, the man comes back looking miserable. The doctor looks at him and asks him what the problem is. "I discussed the matter with my wife and she said she'd prefer a fitted kitchen. So I killed her."
Q: What does a girl have two of that a cow has four of?
A: Legs.
There once a man, who after many years finally married the women of his dreams. Then, one day when he returned home and found blood all over the house, he quickly rushed to washroom and found his wife's body parts laying in the bath tub, and her head in the toilet. Overcome with grief, the man waked into his bedroom to get his handgun so he could shoot himself because he couldn't live without her. As he reached for his gun, he saw something written with his wife's blood on the wall. It read " April Fools!" then all his friends jumped out of the bedroom closet. They laughed and and had few bears. The End.
Q: Why do women have ****s?
A: To provide milk to feed their offspring.
One day, Little Timmy asked his mother this question, "Mommy, why are boys and girls different?" She responded, "You're adopted and Santa Claus is dead."
Q: Why didn't the boy want to go home after school?
A: Because his dad beats him.
Q: What do you call a black person with a white belt?
A: A beginner at karate.
A pirate walks into a bar and says "Why do I hurt the ones I love slowly by drinking my life away". He proceeded to cry.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a sack of dung?
A: One practices law, while the other is a pile of fetid excrement.
Q: Why did the soldier cry himself to sleep?
A: Because he had bamboo shoots shoved under his fingernails every day for a year in a POW camp
Q: Why did the young boy touch himself at night?
A: He was shot in his stomach and was trying in vain to stop the bleeding.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road screaming?
A: Because she had accidentally swallowed napalm, there was a hospital on the other side of the road, and her insides was burning, causing the worst pain she had ever felt.
Q: What did the hobo ask for on christmas?
A: Food and shelter.
Q: What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table?
A: Carbon, because it forms the backbones of many energy rich sugars.
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not over the bay?
A: Because there is a more ample supply of fish for them to prey on in the sea. But man's practice of leaving food scraps on the beach is steadily drawing more seagulls towards the bay.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar.
A bar fight ensues, and the blonde is killed in the midst of gunfire.
It was a horrible tragedy.
Q: What did Hellen Keller do when she fell off a cliff?
A: She screamed her hands off.
What's worse? Me posting these evil jokes, or you laughing at them?
Stuff
Three women are on an airplane. One's a blonde, ones a red head, one's a brunette. Unfortunately, the plane was going to crash and their was nothing they could do but jump out and parachute to safety. So the captain said to each of the three ladies, "You can only take one of you're possessions when you parachute out of the plane." The blonde says "I will take my watch becau-" But before she could finish her sentence the plane exploded because the flames on the wing had ignited the fuel tank. No one survived.
Q: What did the blind, deaf, mute kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
So, what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Bill Clinton, the Pope and Michael Moore are on a plane that's about to crash. They each grabbed a parachute and jumped to safety.
A man dips his toe into a puddle of water, he pulls back a charred stump.
It was industrial acid. He died from an infection contracted through the burnt flesh.
A bartender walks into a bar and he says "I'm here to start my shift."
What do you call a dog that bounces a few times when you throw him across a lake?
Skippy.
What do you call a dog that doesn't?
Drowny.
What do you call a hispanic working at pizza hut?
An employee.
Q: Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
A: Santa's ***** reminded him of his pedophile father.
Did you hear about the new pirate movie?
It was rated PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
What do you call a black guy in a convience store?
A customer.
Q: A blonde and a brunette jump off a building. Which one hits the ground first?
A: It depends on their weight and drag coefficient.
Q: How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on a bed?
A: Politely ask him to stop.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Because they practice.
*knock, knock*
Who's there?
Lenny
Oh, ok, come right in, I've been expecting you for hours.
One time a boy came home from school and he said to his dad 'Dad I had *** with my teacher.' His dad was like 'Good job.' A few months later the boy died of STDs.
Your momma's so fat because she eats too much and doesn't get proper exercise.
Why did the old man like wool socks?
Because they kept his feet nice and warm.
Who let the dogs out?
Their owner. He took them on a walk.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she lost her arms in a car accident.
Your momma's so fat that the scale reads 364 lbs.
Q. What do you call Hitler?
A. Fascist.
What did the MRI find when it scanned the NFL player's brain?
Nothing, they turned it up too high and killed him.
Why couldn't Sally ride a bike?
Because Sally had Cerebral Palsy.
What's the difference between pastry and soda?
One you eat, one you drink.
Why did the little boy say his prayers every night?
Because every night at 2A.M. when his dad comes home drunk he hears him beat his mom and wonders when he will be next.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The police. Your husband died in a car wreck.
A man goes to the doctor and pokes himself in the leg with his index finger. The man says "Ow! Doctor, it hurts whenever I poke myself here!"
The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again.
Q. What's the difference between michael jackson and a toaster?
A. A toaster makes toast. Michael Jackson molests little boys.
Q. What did the rock say to the river?
A. Nothing, rocks can't talk.
Three blondes walk into a bar...they order some drinks, then leave.
Three men walk into a bar. They're all alcoholics, and they beat their wives.
Two men were walking along when they came across a set of tracks. The first man said "Deer Tracks!" the second said "Rabbit Tracks!".
While they stood there arguing, the train ran both men over.
How do you kill a fox?
Beat it with a stick until its heart stops beating from all the trauma. Death will soon follow.
So a priest, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. They then proceed to molest small children.
What do you call two blonde girls playing catch?
Softball practice.
Person 1: Did you hear about what happened at work today?
Person 2: *Confused expression*
Person 1: Oh thats right your deaf...never mind
A Priest, A pedophile, and a rapist walk in to a bar.. and that was only the first guy....
An Irishman walks past a bar...
Q: Why did the child cross the road?
A: An arsonist set his house ablaze, causing his paraplegic family to die a slow painful fiery death. Their death screams consequently drove the child to madness. A truck hit him, showering the pavement with entrails.
Once there was a man who lived with his family in Africa. They were very poor, and never had enough to eat. One day the man said "I'll run in the Olympics and when I win the gold medal, I'll be able to feed my family!"
He practiced and practiced, but then one day he lost both his legs in a lawnmower accident and never walked again.
An African-American man, a Chinese man, and an Irishman walk into a bar.
What a fine example of a multi-cultural community.
A young man named Bob moves out of his mothers house. He doesn't have much money to make it own his own so he decides to rob a gas station. The manager
of the store has a gun. Bob takes a shotgun blast to the face. He dies.
Q: What happened to the girl who fell while Ice skating?
A: She got a compoud fracture
Q: Why is the sky blue?
A: Light is made up of electromagnetic waves. The distance between 2 crests in this wave is called the wavelength. White light contains all the colors of the rainbow. The amount of light scattered for any given colour depends on the wavelength of that colour. All the colors in white light have different wavelengths. Red light has the longest wavelength. The wavelength of blue light is about half that of red light. This difference in wavelength causes blue light to be scattered nearly ten times more than red light. Lord Rayleigh studied this phenomena in detail. It is caused the Tyndall effect or Rayleigh scattering. Lord Rayleigh also calculated that even without smoke and dust in the atmosphere, the oxygen and nitrogen molecules would still cause the sky to appear blue because of scattering. When blue light waves try to go straight through an oxygen and nitrogen molecules, its light is scattered in all directions because of this collision. This scattered blue light is what makes the sky blue. All other colors (with longer wavelengths than blue light) are scattered too. Blue light's short wavelength causes it to be scattered the most. (The shorther the wavelength of the color, the more that color gets scattered by the atmosphere). Actually, violet has the shortest wavelength of all colors. Violet is scattered even more than blue light. However, our eyes are much more sensitive to see blue than violet, therefore we see the sky as blue. Very little visible light is absorbed by the atmosphere.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It died.
Why did the puppy eat rat poison?
Because he was blind.
Q: What do you call 1000 heavily armed lesbians?
A: An army.
Ask me if I'm an orange.
Are you an orange?
No.
Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A: A pizza is a piece of bread with condiments on top. A Jew is a person of the Jewish religion.
A child stowaway touches down with the plane in Korea. How does he get back to America?
In a coffin. The police shot him.
Q: How do you know it's bed time at Michael Jaskson's house?
A: When Michael Jackson is tired.
Q: What is hard, lasts forever, and is something girls love to have on their body?
A: A diamond.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: Michael Jackson is an award winning musician, a grocery bag is a bag used to transport groceries.
Q: What did the hooker say to the priest?
A: That was a wonderful sermon. I look forward to next Sunday's church service.
Your momma's so fat, she bought an issue of Cosmo for an article on breast self-exams but became deeply depressed when bombarded by page after page of images perpetuating an impossible standard of beauty. That night she skipped dinner and cried herself to sleep.
Your momma's so fat, she tried to go on the Atkins diet but couldn't make it through the induction phase because her cravings for sweets and complex carbohydrates proved too powerful to overcome.
A man is in a car accident, and his genitals are horribly mutilated. When he awakes, the doctor tells him that they can create a new one for him, but it is an expensive operation. The operation costs ?1000 an inch. He is urged to go home and discuss the matter with his wife. The next day, the man comes back looking miserable. The doctor looks at him and asks him what the problem is. "I discussed the matter with my wife and she said she'd prefer a fitted kitchen. So I killed her."
Q: What does a girl have two of that a cow has four of?
A: Legs.
There once a man, who after many years finally married the women of his dreams. Then, one day when he returned home and found blood all over the house, he quickly rushed to washroom and found his wife's body parts laying in the bath tub, and her head in the toilet. Overcome with grief, the man waked into his bedroom to get his handgun so he could shoot himself because he couldn't live without her. As he reached for his gun, he saw something written with his wife's blood on the wall. It read " April Fools!" then all his friends jumped out of the bedroom closet. They laughed and and had few bears. The End.
Q: Why do women have ****s?
A: To provide milk to feed their offspring.
One day, Little Timmy asked his mother this question, "Mommy, why are boys and girls different?" She responded, "You're adopted and Santa Claus is dead."
Q: Why didn't the boy want to go home after school?
A: Because his dad beats him.
Q: What do you call a black person with a white belt?
A: A beginner at karate.
A pirate walks into a bar and says "Why do I hurt the ones I love slowly by drinking my life away". He proceeded to cry.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a sack of dung?
A: One practices law, while the other is a pile of fetid excrement.
Q: Why did the soldier cry himself to sleep?
A: Because he had bamboo shoots shoved under his fingernails every day for a year in a POW camp
Q: Why did the young boy touch himself at night?
A: He was shot in his stomach and was trying in vain to stop the bleeding.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road screaming?
A: Because she had accidentally swallowed napalm, there was a hospital on the other side of the road, and her insides was burning, causing the worst pain she had ever felt.
Q: What did the hobo ask for on christmas?
A: Food and shelter.
Q: What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table?
A: Carbon, because it forms the backbones of many energy rich sugars.
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not over the bay?
A: Because there is a more ample supply of fish for them to prey on in the sea. But man's practice of leaving food scraps on the beach is steadily drawing more seagulls towards the bay.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar.
A bar fight ensues, and the blonde is killed in the midst of gunfire.
It was a horrible tragedy.
Q: What did Hellen Keller do when she fell off a cliff?
A: She screamed her hands off.
What's worse? Me posting these evil jokes, or you laughing at them?
Stuff