Military Retirement

[Gringo]

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.



The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured, from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at

six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be

measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.



The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, "From the tip of my ***** to my ********s." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received.



But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.



The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to drop'em, so he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's ***** and began to work back.

"My God!, he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your ********s?"

The Captain calmly replied, "Vietnam".

[Marmot1]

good one!!! rofl rofl rofl rofl

[Brozozo]

rofl Didn't see that one coming!

[Dalleer]

Heh heh, pretty good.

[Marmot1]

Four Paratroopers were hopelessly lost on patrol. It was getting dark and had just started raining so morale was low. Blundering through the woods, they suddenly came across a deep, fast-flowing river. The first Para said "here goes" and jumped into the water, hoping to be able to swim across to the other side. However, he had forgotten he was wearing full kit which included three ponchos (all with hoods) a pair of black plimsolls (highly polished) a little tin with some coloured string and some little plastic monopoly houses, the Charlie G, (84mm), four concrete-filled practise rounds, six back issues of Pegasus magazine, and a curious hat made of metal.

He sank like a stone never to be seen again. "Oooer...." said the remaining three.

Just at that moment, a Genie appeared. "Can I be of help?" the Genie enquired.

The first, although somewhat surprised at seeing such an apparition, blurted out, "Yes please! Can you make me into a gunnery officer?"

At which point he was transformed into a subaltern from 94 Heavy Air Locating Regiment. He immediately pulled out some waterproof paper (available from Survival Aids) and choosing a lumicolour pen from the vast multi-coloured array in his breast pocket, just above his nametag, he set about working out some calculations. Punching numbers into his wristwatch/calculator and taking bearings with his prismatic compass, (which had been bought at Silvermans), he worked out that the bend in an over-hanging branch would give him enough lift to project him across the water to the other side. Using the two remaining Paras for labour, he had
the branch bent down, sat on it and was flung far across the river. Of course, as usual, he dropped short and therefore drowned!

The second Para thought to himself "Thick pratt....should have asked to be an engineer officer", a request he duly put into the Genie.

He was instantly transformed into a Captain from 34 Heavy Engineer Bridging and Barb Wiring (Surrey) Squadron. Immediately after his transformation, he pulled out a palm top computer and began calculating the tensile strength of a hanging vine. With the help of
his extra light field binos (swapped with a US "Special Forces" officer he met on his Arctic Survival course on at Thetford), he calculated that the vine would be just long enough and strong enough to get him to the other side. Using the last Para to push him, he swung out into the middle of the river. Of course, he had forgotten to convert his mils into degrees and the vine wasn't strong enough anyway. It snapped and he plunged into the dark water, never to be seen again!

The final Para alarmed at the demise of his three colleagues, asked the Genie what he should request.
"Try being a Royal Marine" replied the 'Little One'.
"OK, make me a Bootkneck"
"Well" said the Genie "You can't really be 'made' into a Royal Marine, you have to have the breeding, but I will give you the brains of a Royal Marine"

Whereupon the Para was transformed into a Royal Marine. So whistling 'Life on the Ocean Wave' quietly to himself, he crossed the
river by the bridge!!!!!!

Per Mare Per Terram

[Uncle Sam]

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured, from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at

six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be

measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, "From the tip of my ***** to my ********s." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to drop'em, so he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's ***** and began to work back.

"My God!, he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your ********s?"

The Captain calmly replied, "Vietnam".

rofl rofl rofl