Jokes

[gaz]

I don't remember anyone ever starting a thread for jokes so here you go -

A man walks into a pub with a little monkey. The monkey jumps on the bar and starts kicking pints over, then he spits at people, finally he jumps onto the pool table. picks up the cueball and eats it.

The landlord shouts "Oi!! Get that bloody animal out of here and don't come back!!" so the man picks up the monkey and leaves.

Two weeks later the man comes back with the monkey. The landlord says "I thought I told you not to come back?", the man explains "I've done loads of extra training with him now, he's a reformed character, can we come in?". The landlord thinks about it for a minute and then agrees.

Suddenly the monkey jumps on the bar and starts kicking pints over, he spits at people again and finally he shoves a peanut up his arse, then pulls it out and eats it.

The landlord shouts "That's bloody disgusting!! Why'd he do that?" and the man explains "Well, ever since that cueball he measures everything..."

[digrar]

A Primary school teacher gave her class an assignment where they had to tell a story and then discuss the moral.
Bright and attentive, Lisa stood up and said, "One time me and my Dad were taking our eggs to town in a basket on the front seat of the ute. When we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket," answered Lisa.
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little terror, Brucie, put his grimy hand up. The teacher sighed, "Brucie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, miss, me dad told me this story about me Aunty Narelle. Aunty Narelle was a flight engineer in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down and landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed 20 more with the machete 'till the blade broke. And then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the **** away from Aunty Narelle when she's been drinking."

[gaz]

What's the difference between BSE and PMT?

One's mad cow disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

[MolliG]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry." The woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." She says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! Everything has been so incredible!

"You know." He said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No." she replies...





"… You just happened to catch my eye."

[shrek]

how do you get a witch pregnant?









F..k her stupid!

[Red]

how do you get a witch pregnant?









F..k her stupid!
ermmm shrek, :oops: i did not get it

[Trigger]

rofl @ MolliG

Why do they call it 'PMS'?














Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken. p-)

[ChuckThunder]

how do you get a witch pregnant?









F..k her stupid!
ermmm shrek, :oops: i did not get it

Read the last part again.




In other words, "f..k her senseless."

[Gringo]

how do you get a witch pregnant?









F..k her stupid!
ermmm shrek, :oops: i did not get it

Read the last part again.




In other words, "f..k her senseless."

without contraceptives remember. ;)

[Cassiar]

Little guy gets sent to prison.

Big burly cellmate walks up to him and says, "OK, who do you want to be, the mommy or the daddy?"

Little guy thinks about the lesser of two evils and replies, "I'll be the daddy!"

Big guy says, "Alright then, come here and suck mommy's ****."

[king_nothing100]

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to Britain from the Falklands, the three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.
We'll start on the left, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sahr!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The tip of me **** to me balls, sahr!" General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son! As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

[Gringo]

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to Britain from the Falklands, the three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.
We'll start on the left, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sahr!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The tip of me **** to me balls, sahr!" General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son! As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

That's my joke! You've just altered it you basterd! :P

[king_nothing100]

Someone sent me it ages ago so I saved it with a few more **** ones in a notepad document.