2RHPZ
07-01-2004, 06:35 AM
Darwin Awards
Here is the glorious winner for 2003:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked...
And now, the Honorable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved!
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and rone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cashdrawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about
to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor
home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Darwin Awards are out for 2004 ...
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual
honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid
way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke
machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military
gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached
in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was
inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his
death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead
after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot
railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food
worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around
one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped
and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance
between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems
that heand a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake
as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas
noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lightsworked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians,
but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried
to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once
again
that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball
washer
and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies
upped
the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place,
thus wedging
them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
pain, collapsed
and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball
washer was more
than a foot higher off the ground than his ********s are in a normal stance, and
he scrotum was the
weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
******** was plucked
from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other ******** was
compressed
and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinery inside.
To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
purchased from the
pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital
for surgery,
and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But
because he cannot
reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
Here is the glorious winner for 2003:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked...
And now, the Honorable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved!
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and rone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cashdrawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about
to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor
home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Darwin Awards are out for 2004 ...
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual
honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid
way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke
machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military
gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached
in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a
hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was
inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his
death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead
after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot
railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food
worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around
one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped
and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance
between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems
that heand a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake
as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas
noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lightsworked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians,
but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried
to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once
again
that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball
washer
and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies
upped
the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place,
thus wedging
them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
pain, collapsed
and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball
washer was more
than a foot higher off the ground than his ********s are in a normal stance, and
he scrotum was the
weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
******** was plucked
from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other ******** was
compressed
and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinery inside.
To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
purchased from the
pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital
for surgery,
and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But
because he cannot
reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.