Post the WORST joke you know [Archive]

gaz

07-23-2004, 02:49 PM

The bellringer at a cathedral dies of old age so the bishop holds auditions for a new one. The first guy to walk in has no arms.
The bishop looks at him and asks "Are you sure you're in the right room mate?"
The man answers "I am if this is the bellringing auditions." The bishop is a bit confused and tells him to carry on.
The man walks straight over to the bell and starts hitting it with his face and it sounds absolutely perfect so the bishop hires him on the spot.
The armless man is so happy he takes a victory headbutt at the bell but misses, he falls under the bell, through the hole in the floor, all the way down the belltower and then hits the floor and dies.
The bishop runs down the stairs and straight away someone asks him "What happened? Who was he?"
The bishop replies "I don't know but his face rings a bell".

But wait!!!! There's more!!!

The bishop still needs a bellringer so starts the auditions again the next day. The first bloke to walk in says "The man who died yesterday was my older brother, I want to take over his job to honour his memory," The bishop agrees on the spot.
The man picks up the bellringing hammer and takes an almighty swing but misses, he falls under the bell, through the hole in the floor, all the way down the belltower and then hits the floor and dies.
This time the bishop can't even be arse to run down the stairs but walks down to again find a crowd and again, someone asks him "What happened? Who was he?"
The bishop replies "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother".

Gringo

07-23-2004, 02:53 PM

My dad comes out with bad jokes too much. He could write a book on them.

"I went into town today to look for some camouflage, and couldn't find any...."

:roll:

Deuterium

07-23-2004, 02:54 PM

There once was a traveling computer salesman. He was the best in the business. He could sell a computer even to morons like Apocolypse and Kapital3. Well the guy is so good that he never has time for a wife and family. As he gets older he wishes to have a son to take over the business. As this is in the future he is able to clone himself. The son is a perfect copy of the father except for one small detail. The son curses every time he speaks. Well the son grows up and the father decides it's time to teach the son the trade. It goes horribly bad. Every time the father tries to make a sale the son starts to curse and ruins the sale. Soon the man is reduced to poverty. One day the father can take no more. He drives the son to a very high suspension bridge, stops and asks the son to take a look over the edge. "What the f*ck for dad?" As the son looks over the edge the father pushes the son over the edge. "F*ck you Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddd," is all that's heard. Just then two FBI agents appear and arrest the father. What for?

Making an obscene clone fall.

Deuterium

07-23-2004, 02:54 PM

A small Hawaiian tribe on the big island of Hawaii worships the immortal god OBE, a porpoise. They believe the god watches over them and protects them. But they must daily climb the volcano and collect gull’s eggs to feed the porpoises that swim near the volcano as a sacrifice. One morning the villagers hear over the radio that a large lion has escaped from the zoo and is in the vicinity of the volcano. No one wants to climb the volcano to collect eggs until the lion is captured. One young idealist, Mustamato, states that this is wrong. They either believe in this god and do what’s necessary or worship something else. The villagers agree that Mustamato must collect the eggs then. Mustamato collects his courage and begins the climb. He collects the eggs, descends and begins to walk the narrow path to the beach to feed the porpoises. At the most narrow part of the path, the lion is stretched across the path, asleep. There is no way to go around or choose a different path. Mustamato slowly approaches the lion. Raises one foot over the lion and places it on the ground. As he picks up his other foot and places it on the other side he is immediately arrested by two FBI agents. What for, Patriot Act offenses?

Crossing a stately lion with young gulls for immortal porpoises.

ChuckThunder

07-23-2004, 03:01 PM

What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

Get off me homes!

:roll:

Fargin

07-23-2004, 03:14 PM

This poor farmer when to town to see the famous magician. But when he arriwed at the theater, he discovered he couldn't afford the ticket. So he went around the building to the staff enternce and knocked on the door. The magician opened the door and told the farmer he do a magic trick for his pocket change. The farmer emptied his pockets and the magician agreed to do a simple trick.

Ok, said the magician: I need your participation in this on.

I need you to turn around slowly, the farmer complied.

I need you to carefully drop your pants.

Ok, now I need you to bend over, the farmer did.

Pay attention, I will now insert my finger up your bum.

The farmer asked: Are you sure this is a magic trick?

The magician: Well, can you still feel my finger?

Yes, the farmer said.

TA DA! Yelled the magician: Can you then explain, how I'm able to wave both my hands above your head!

Roger Rabbit

07-23-2004, 03:17 PM

how do you cut the sea in half?

With a see-saw

Seraphim

07-23-2004, 03:56 PM

Did Atlantis exist? Well pardon me - she may not have had any hits last year but Atlantis Morrisette is still one of the most influential musical artists out there.

You know, maybe this post should be under "the worst jokes you know" thread...

Jack Mehoff

07-23-2004, 04:00 PM

How come women have small feet?

So they could stand closer to the kitchen sink.

somebody is going to kill me for this ;)

shorty

07-23-2004, 04:03 PM

somebody is going to kill me for this ;) I'm laying odds it'll be Farmgirl..... :lol:

moughoun

07-23-2004, 04:03 PM

How come women have small feet?

So they could stand closer to the kitchen sink.

somebody is going to kill me for this ;)

Ya, one of the ladies on here is going to roast you for that :lol:

Jack Mehoff

07-23-2004, 04:11 PM

what is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute washes her crack at the end of the day

Bulkowski

07-23-2004, 04:18 PM

This one is from my dad....
A mushroom walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a beer. The bar tender replies and says 'No'. The mushroom says, 'Why not? I'm a fun-guy'
...
woot ;)

Choose of the following which does not belong with the other two....
Rape, Monopoly, Incest

Rape, because the other two are a family game. p-)

Seraphim

07-23-2004, 04:19 PM

what is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute washes her crack at the end of the day

The other one is

Who makes more money a drug dealer or a prostitute?

Prostitute because she can wash her crack and reuse it.

DixieDude

07-23-2004, 04:42 PM

Extremely Retarded & Racist

How come black people have nightmares and not dreams?

Because the last black person to have a dream got shot.

Very f*cked up joke! and very wrong. :roll:

soma

07-23-2004, 04:43 PM

How many jews can you fit in a VW?

NONE BECAUSE NAZISM AND JEWS DON'T EXIST.

memphiz

07-23-2004, 05:11 PM

VERY RACIST JOKE...read with caution

Why is there a cotton ball in a bottle of tylonal?

so black people know they were cotton pickers before drug dealers

RomanS

07-23-2004, 05:22 PM

How do you get a homo to fuk a girl?

put a lot of **** in her pussy

Caraway

07-23-2004, 05:31 PM

Q: What is a thing that does not fit in your arse and does not buzz?
A: A Russian arse buzzer!

(It's actually an old Finnish saying...)

RomanS

07-23-2004, 05:40 PM

Q: What is a thing that does not fit in your arse and does not buzz?
A: A Russian arse buzzer!

(It's actually an old Finnish saying...)

hahaha

Dalleer

07-23-2004, 05:44 PM

Man , what's a Russian arse buzzer ?

I have always wondered about that "perseenpäristin" - thing..

RomanS

07-23-2004, 05:47 PM

Man , what's a Russian arse buzzer ?

I have always wondered about that "perseenpäristin" - thing..
its something that we torture Scandinavians with. They shake and cry when they see our Red Buzzer go bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Viktor_s

07-23-2004, 06:18 PM

:) Speaking of Finns...

Two Finns are angling.. one caught a mermaid, then took her ashore, sat her on his lap stared at her for 3 hours then threw her back to the sea.

In 2 hours the second angler asks why did the first angler threw away such a beautiful sea present (mermaid)

In 3 hours came a reply - "Well, how would you **** her?"

Saint

07-23-2004, 06:21 PM

I have 3 Jokes.

1. Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

..the wheel chair......

2. Whats better than winning a gold at the special olympics...

......not being retarded.......

3. Whats the difference between 67 dead babies and a 67 Chevy...

....uhhhh, I don't have a 67 Chevy in my Garage.

MEGR

07-23-2004, 06:22 PM

Knock Knock...

Caraway

07-23-2004, 06:23 PM

memphiz

07-23-2004, 06:26 PM

Micheal jackson joke

Whats better that 2- eighteen year olds?

18- two year olds

hank

07-23-2004, 06:27 PM

What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?

A hooker will stop f**king you when you die.

Just so no one forgets that I have a self-deficating sense of humor! ;)

hank

Fintin

07-23-2004, 06:28 PM

What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?

A hooker will stop f**king you when you die.

Just so no one forgets that I have a self-deficating sense of humor! ;)

hank

just try not to get any on your fingers

Fintin

07-23-2004, 06:31 PM

damnit

MEGR

07-23-2004, 06:31 PM

Knock Knock.

Saint

07-23-2004, 06:33 PM

whos there

Trigger

07-23-2004, 06:36 PM

*tasteless Space Shuttle Challenger joke*
What color were Christa McAuliffe's eyes?
Blue
(one blew left and one blew right)

What did she say when her husband asked if she was going to shower before the mission?
"No, I'll just wash up on shore."
:oops:

MEGR

07-23-2004, 06:39 PM

whos there

Bob

FallenAngel

07-23-2004, 06:42 PM

whos there

Bob

Bob who?

MEGR

07-23-2004, 06:46 PM

whos there

Bob

Bob who?

Bob Saget.

Bob the Drunk

07-23-2004, 07:01 PM

what is better than winning a gold medal at the special olympics???

Not being retarded.

Vance

07-23-2004, 07:04 PM

Macs.

07-23-2004, 07:05 PM

J.F. Kennedy: "Ich bin ein Berliner"
Translation: "I am a donut"

This man really was a visionary.

:oops:

Bulkowski

07-23-2004, 07:44 PM

Some MJ jokes...

What do Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common?

They both like sticking their meat between 12 year old buns

What do Michael Jackson and WalMart have in common?

Boys pants are half off

What did the mom lying on the beach say when she saw Michael Jackson?

Get out of my son! p-)

What's tall, white, plastic and likes young boys?

Michael Jackson!

tiger-unit

07-23-2004, 08:26 PM

watch with the blind jokes, my bro is blind.no joke. :-*$

farmgirl

07-23-2004, 09:13 PM

How come women have small feet?

So they could stand closer to the kitchen sink.

somebody is going to kill me for this ;)

as you wish, jack, as you wish....

:bash:

What's small purple and dangerous?

a grape with a machine gun.... rofl

memphiz

07-23-2004, 09:29 PM

How do you make a clown stop laughing

Hit him in the face with an axe

Innoxx

07-23-2004, 10:27 PM

How do you piss of Winnie The Pooh?

Stick two fingers in his honey.

farmgirl

07-23-2004, 10:56 PM

How do you piss of Winnie The Pooh?

Stick two fingers in his honey.

I'm ashamed to say that I laughed at that....

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

SpazzMunky

07-23-2004, 11:29 PM

Extremely racist joke.....Dont read if you are easily offended....

This is your last chance....

What did the white jew say to the black jew?

'Get in the back of the oven'

hank

07-23-2004, 11:32 PM

Extremely racist joke.....Dont read if you are easily offended....

This is your last chance....

What did the white jew say to the black jew?

'Get in the back of the oven'

Booyakasha! That is really offensive, but I did chuckle a little. It took guts to post that cuz some people will blow up when they read it. :D

hank

Bulkowski

07-24-2004, 12:14 AM

Are we just posting jokes now? And racist jokes are okay?

RoBBo

07-24-2004, 12:15 AM

racist joke...

what are 3 things you cant give a black man?

a black eye, a fat lip and a job.

digrar

07-24-2004, 12:40 AM

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

A young bloke rings his mate and tells him he is shaging a twin.
"Thats great!" His mate replies. "tell me, do you have trouble telling them apart?"
"Nah, his brother has a moustache."

Two blokes were in a supermarket when their trolleys collided.
Bob said, "I'm sorry, mate, I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I. And I'm getting a little desperate," said Joe.
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asked Bob.
Joe replied, "Well, she's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent arse. What does your wife look like?"
"Bugger her," says Bob. "Let's go and look for yours!"

to free the oppressed

07-24-2004, 01:41 AM

Where can you find the fastest Jews?

Poland, 1939. rofl

Tranceaddict

07-24-2004, 01:41 AM

Worse joke that Ive ever heard

Why'd the baby cross the road?

cause it was stapled to the chicken

Midav

07-24-2004, 01:49 AM

Two guys walk into a bar and the third one ducks.....

For the Canadians: So a seal walks into a club

;)

Midav

07-26-2004, 10:49 PM

Actually it's kinda funny pick up line....

Wanna play army?

I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.

Sierra

07-26-2004, 11:43 PM

What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

Get off me homes!

:roll: rofl

Sierra

07-26-2004, 11:44 PM

Where can you find the fastest Jews?

Poland, 1939. rofl rofl

Sierra

07-26-2004, 11:45 PM

Some of these jokes are ****in halarious! I am LMAO! at some!!! rofl

Beowulf

07-27-2004, 12:00 AM

Two cannibals are eating a clown... one looks at the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"

warning gross joke:

Did you hear about the necrophiliac that finally found his true love?...dumb bitch split on him.

What's the best thing about *** with twenty-eight year olds.....There's twenty of them.

Cassiar

07-27-2004, 12:01 AM

When a Mexican fireman has two kids, what are their names?

Hose-A and Hose-B.

Vance

07-27-2004, 08:29 PM

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese!

Vance

07-27-2004, 08:34 PM

[country accent]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no idear...

[/country accent]

Ria

07-27-2004, 08:36 PM

[country accent]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no idear...

[/country accent]

rofl It's so funny when you say it :P

carpandean

07-27-2004, 11:00 PM

This is NOT a joke that I like to repeat, but since the catagory asks for the worst joke that I have ever heard, this is it:

What's the difference between pizza and jews?

Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven.

Andyman

07-28-2004, 01:58 AM

some racism may occur but its meant as a joke so take it easy everyone
why was tigger looking in the toilet?

a: cause he was trying to find poo

how many jews can fit in a VW beetle?

a: 100...2 in the front, 2 in the back, 96 in the ashtray

what'd the new black kid on my street give me for my birthday?

a: my bike

a man with a speech impediment has to go to town to buy some things and his first stop is the hardware store. He walks up to the counter and says "can i haf a fockit". "what" replies the cashier. A fockit says the man pointing at what he wants. "Oh you mean a bucket" replies the cashier. "Yeah, yeah" says the man and he buys it and walks out bucket in hand. His next stop is the bakery where he walks up to the baker and says "can i haf a bum". "A what" replies the baker. "A bum" says the man pointing furiously at what he wants. "Oh you mean a bun" says the baker. "Yeah yeah" says the man and he purchases that item. the man walks to his next stop. The Local pet store, with bun and bucket in hand he walks to the clerk and says "can i have a cockandspankit". "A what" says the offended cashier. "A cockandspankit" says the frustrated man pointing at what he wants. "Oh you mean a cockerspaniel" replies the clerk. "yeah yeah says the man and he purchases his new puppy. Walking home the puppy is rather frightened by the noise and commotion going on in its new world and it jumps out from the mans arms. The man obviously wanting to racatch his new puppy runs up to the nearest person and says "here hold my bum and fockit while i go catch my **** and spank it"

usa320

07-28-2004, 02:11 AM

a man with a speech impediment has to go to town to buy some things and his first stop is the hardware store. He walks up to the counter and says "can i haf a fockit". "what" replies the cashier. A fockit says the man pointing at what he wants. "Oh you mean a bucket" replies the cashier. "Yeah, yeah" says the man and he buys it and walks out bucket in hand. His next stop is the bakery where he walks up to the baker and says "can i haf a bum". "A what" replies the baker. "A bum" says the man pointing furiously at what he wants. "Oh you mean a bun" says the baker. "Yeah yeah" says the man and he purchases that item. the man walks to his next stop. The Local pet store, with bun and bucket in hand he walks to the clerk and says "can i have a cockandspankit". "A what" says the offended cashier. "A cockandspankit" says the frustrated man pointing at what he wants. "Oh you mean a cockerspaniel" replies the clerk. "yeah yeah says the man and he purchases his new puppy. Walking home the puppy is rather frightened by the noise and commotion going on in its new world and it jumps out from the mans arms. The man obviously wanting to racatch his new puppy runs up to the nearest person and says "here hold my bum and fockit while i go catch my **** and spank it"

HOLY ****. Ive never come so close to pissing my pants with laughter before in my life.

rofl rofl rofl rofl

American Patriot

07-28-2004, 02:33 AM

Why are cats better than children?

When you get your cats high you don't go to jail.

=NaZcA=

07-28-2004, 09:17 AM

-Why cant we sleep on the ceiling ?
-Because the blanket slides down

chauncy republicans

07-28-2004, 12:24 PM

Whats black, blue and always tired of ***...

....the little vietnamese boy in my trunk :oops:

Cassiar

07-28-2004, 12:39 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v322/intestine/kkk1.jpg

5jumpchump

07-28-2004, 02:26 PM

Why do Japanese people have squinty eyes ?

The flash !

-

Whats grosser than gross ?

When you open the refrigerator and the roast beef farts in your face !

-

Whats grosser than that ?

Getting the bottom of a Mayonaise jar and theres a few condoms in it !

-

Why do Italians wear big , thick gold chains ?

Reminds them were to stop shaving !

-

Why is italy shaped like a boot ?

Can't fit all that **** in a tennis shoe now can you ?

-

How do you get an Irish gal pregnant ?

Jerk off on her shoes and let the flies do the rest !

rofl