2RHPZ
08-03-2004, 04:52 PM
I´ve just found this funy stuff. Although It wouldn´t be funny for all, but I rofl rofl and I am sure all of you who are familiar with this culture a little bit.
Explanatory note :
Russian "Kukushka" = European cuckoo. There is a superstition is that the number of times you hear the cuckoo call is the number of years you have left to live.
Russian "Hans" = slang for German, used as typical soldiers name, similar as US "Fritz" or UK "Jerry", German "Tommy" for brit etc. Typically ****ounced as "Gans", like in Gamburg and Adolf Gitler.
WWII. The front. A wounded Russian razvedchik (recce soldier) is desparately crawling through the forest, bleeding heavily. Somewhere in the distance through the trees a cuckoo begins to call. The wounded soldier becomes sentimental and calls out "Kukushka, kukushka, tell me, how long do I have to live?". The cuckoo becomes silent, but the Russian hears an answer from the bushes : "Ein kuku, zwei kuku. Hans, feuer"
WWII, the front, someplace the front is static and trenches run close. A Soviet infantry unit has been rushed to the front far too soon. They have had iron discipline and parade ground drill hammered into them, but missed the actual combat training part.
So, next day a angry German landser is hurling swearwords across the lines adressing the questionable parentage of all the Soviet leadership (think Sven Hassel). The Russians stoically fail to react to abuse of Stalin, Lenin et al, but as the Landser says "and as for Zhukov, that son of...", a Russian private suddenly snaps to attention. Fritz is stunned, but the Russian stands still until a German sentry guns him down. Astonished discussion follow, and the Germans begin to methodically experiment.
They discover that Russian privates will apparently leap to attention as their names are called, and have not been taught what to do next.... HIWI's with loudspeakers are bought up, and so a dreadfull massacre starts:
"You, Petrov!" - two privates stand, and are shot.
"HEY, IVANOV!" - at least a platoon leaps up, and is machinegunned.
On the Soviet side the helpless Russian soldiers cower in their trench, start lighting last cigarettes,
-"Novikov!" (gunfire, screams) -
The Russians await each new name with dread, some scribble despairing letters,
"Sidorov!" - Ivan Petrovich and Igor Nikolayovich do their duty as taught and stand to attention (ripping sound of MG 42 burst, screams, blood, thud of body parts)
Those who have vodka are hastily using it with trembling hands...
"Smirnov!" (terror, shooting, agonised groans)
In one trench a terrified central asian type cringes in a corner, whimpering "Please God, anything but Abdulrakhmanov, anything but Abdulrakhmanov...".
Previous was a fairly nasty multilayered rascist joke playing on stereotypes of pitiless germans, dumb but stoic russians and outright stupid cental asians. The original uses the word 'Churk' - moderately offensive slang for Turk (ie a central asian or mongol), used not unlike the british "darkie".
Afghanistan, during the the 1980's Soviet invasion.
An Afghan mudjahideen sniper sits on a rocky hilltop, watching Soviet soldiers running about from cover to cover on the hillside below him through the scope of his sniper rifle. He is eager, for bountys have been offered to mudjahideen snipers for killing Russians officers.
He sees a smartly uniformed and athletic Russian with two small stars on the uniform epaulettes. He quickly whips out his mudjahideen handbook to the soviet armed forces, which informs him that this would be a senior lieutenant - reward for shooting - $500. He quickly resights the rifle and prepares to fire, but the Russian has already ducked behind cover. Dissapointed, he continues to watch for targets.
He next spots a older and senior looking Soviet officer with two large stars on the uniform epaulettes. He consults his handbook, which informs him that this would be a lieutenant-colonel - reward for shooting - $800. He quickly resights the rifle and prepares to fire, but again, the Russian has already ducked behind cover. Dissapointed, he continues to watch for targets.
To himself he says "Next time I will be smarter, and shoot the Russian first, and consult the book second".
He then sees a badly dressed, unshaven and apparently drunken Russian with two medium stars on the uniform epaulettes. He takes the immediate shot and drills the Russian through the head. Excitedly, he whips out his handbook, which informs him that that was a Soviet army praporshchik - most virulent enemy of the soviet people - PENALTY for shooting - $1000...
Explanatory note : a praporshchik is a soviet warrant officer, in common they have a reputation for every manner of military vice.[/url]
Explanatory note :
Russian "Kukushka" = European cuckoo. There is a superstition is that the number of times you hear the cuckoo call is the number of years you have left to live.
Russian "Hans" = slang for German, used as typical soldiers name, similar as US "Fritz" or UK "Jerry", German "Tommy" for brit etc. Typically ****ounced as "Gans", like in Gamburg and Adolf Gitler.
WWII. The front. A wounded Russian razvedchik (recce soldier) is desparately crawling through the forest, bleeding heavily. Somewhere in the distance through the trees a cuckoo begins to call. The wounded soldier becomes sentimental and calls out "Kukushka, kukushka, tell me, how long do I have to live?". The cuckoo becomes silent, but the Russian hears an answer from the bushes : "Ein kuku, zwei kuku. Hans, feuer"
WWII, the front, someplace the front is static and trenches run close. A Soviet infantry unit has been rushed to the front far too soon. They have had iron discipline and parade ground drill hammered into them, but missed the actual combat training part.
So, next day a angry German landser is hurling swearwords across the lines adressing the questionable parentage of all the Soviet leadership (think Sven Hassel). The Russians stoically fail to react to abuse of Stalin, Lenin et al, but as the Landser says "and as for Zhukov, that son of...", a Russian private suddenly snaps to attention. Fritz is stunned, but the Russian stands still until a German sentry guns him down. Astonished discussion follow, and the Germans begin to methodically experiment.
They discover that Russian privates will apparently leap to attention as their names are called, and have not been taught what to do next.... HIWI's with loudspeakers are bought up, and so a dreadfull massacre starts:
"You, Petrov!" - two privates stand, and are shot.
"HEY, IVANOV!" - at least a platoon leaps up, and is machinegunned.
On the Soviet side the helpless Russian soldiers cower in their trench, start lighting last cigarettes,
-"Novikov!" (gunfire, screams) -
The Russians await each new name with dread, some scribble despairing letters,
"Sidorov!" - Ivan Petrovich and Igor Nikolayovich do their duty as taught and stand to attention (ripping sound of MG 42 burst, screams, blood, thud of body parts)
Those who have vodka are hastily using it with trembling hands...
"Smirnov!" (terror, shooting, agonised groans)
In one trench a terrified central asian type cringes in a corner, whimpering "Please God, anything but Abdulrakhmanov, anything but Abdulrakhmanov...".
Previous was a fairly nasty multilayered rascist joke playing on stereotypes of pitiless germans, dumb but stoic russians and outright stupid cental asians. The original uses the word 'Churk' - moderately offensive slang for Turk (ie a central asian or mongol), used not unlike the british "darkie".
Afghanistan, during the the 1980's Soviet invasion.
An Afghan mudjahideen sniper sits on a rocky hilltop, watching Soviet soldiers running about from cover to cover on the hillside below him through the scope of his sniper rifle. He is eager, for bountys have been offered to mudjahideen snipers for killing Russians officers.
He sees a smartly uniformed and athletic Russian with two small stars on the uniform epaulettes. He quickly whips out his mudjahideen handbook to the soviet armed forces, which informs him that this would be a senior lieutenant - reward for shooting - $500. He quickly resights the rifle and prepares to fire, but the Russian has already ducked behind cover. Dissapointed, he continues to watch for targets.
He next spots a older and senior looking Soviet officer with two large stars on the uniform epaulettes. He consults his handbook, which informs him that this would be a lieutenant-colonel - reward for shooting - $800. He quickly resights the rifle and prepares to fire, but again, the Russian has already ducked behind cover. Dissapointed, he continues to watch for targets.
To himself he says "Next time I will be smarter, and shoot the Russian first, and consult the book second".
He then sees a badly dressed, unshaven and apparently drunken Russian with two medium stars on the uniform epaulettes. He takes the immediate shot and drills the Russian through the head. Excitedly, he whips out his handbook, which informs him that that was a Soviet army praporshchik - most virulent enemy of the soviet people - PENALTY for shooting - $1000...
Explanatory note : a praporshchik is a soviet warrant officer, in common they have a reputation for every manner of military vice.[/url]