Post your jokes.

[Apathy]

NASA spent millions of dollars to create a pen that would work in space.

The Russians used a pencil.

[Zarathustra]

Are racists joke allowed ?

[Chuckie]

NASA spent millions of dollars to create a pen that would work in space.

The Russians used a pencil.

I think I read somewhere that NASA did that because they didn't want graphite dust floating around.

[Aerosoul]

Are racists joke allowed ?
post and find out.

[Zarathustra]

An english man is visiting Vancouver in a bus when he start to want a cigarette. So he ask to the tour guides " Is there anywhere I can smoke a fag ? " The shocked tour guide replies : " No, we are pretty tolerant around here. "

[Aerosoul]

:lol:

but i didn't know my ******ity was a race. :P

[sir-chimp]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[EvanL]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
small ***** jokes stopped being funny after Macs posted his post workout pics.

[Clete Torres]

Ping pong balls, I thought you said King Kong's balls!

[Thor]

Two norwegian aviators are planning a flight to the sun:

- I think it will get too hot.
- No, not at all. We'll fly at night.

[Thor]

What has 200 legs and no pubic hair?




The two first lines at a Backstreet Boys Concert.

[Thor]

Two norwegian police officers finds a dead body in a Peugeot:

- How do you spell Peugeot?
- No idea. Let's move him to an Opel instead.

[sir-chimp]

What is oral ***?
A taste of things to come.

[American Patriot]

Alright..



The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.

In honour of the Buffalo Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

"What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "READ MY LIPS. I said, BRING POSSE".

[Midav]

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." ... and you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell a story like that.

======

A Good Date

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"

======

John had to make a terrible decision today; his company's personnel roster was overstaffed by one. Trouble is, both of his subordinates, Debbie and Jack, were great workers and he couldn't decide which one to fire.

So, John eventually decides that the first one who walks in the door would get the axe.

It was Debbie who walked in the door first. She went to a sink and got herself a glass of water. John walks up to her and says:

"Debbie, this is hard. I don't really know whether to lay you or Jack off."

"Oh," she says, holding her head. "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

======

Am sure some have been posted before p-)

[Tielir999]

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[Tielir999]

edit double post

[Midav]

So there was this WWII Army Air Corps vet talking about the time he spent fighting the Nazis in Europe to a classroom full of 3rd graders...
"So this one mission, there was a focker coming right at me, then I chased the focker away."
Little girls started to giggle
" This other time, two fockers came up on us but then we managed to get out of the way and shoot those fockers down."
By now the entire class was laughing, then the teacher stepped in.
"Class, a Focker was a type of German plane"
The veteran replied
"That's true, ma'am, but these fockers were flying Messerschmitts!"

======

A young man is lying on a beach. He's on vacation. He sees an old, wrinkly, ugly woman come walking towards him. She lays down besides him and says:
"I'm a witch. I will give you three wishes."
the man says "cool! I want a million dollars, a brand new ferarri and the world's hottest girlfriend."
"Fine." the witch waves her hand. "You now have a million dollars on your bank account. There's a brand new ferrari in your garage and Aylar Lie (Swedes and Norwegians will know who this is) is waiting for you when you get back home. But there's a catch. Your three wishes will dissapear tomorrow unless you take me to your hotel room and make sweet love to me all night. The guy is appauled. He doesn't want to have *** with this mean old b/witch, but the girl, the car and the money is very tempting. So he goes "okay, I'll do it."
After a night filled with hot *** the man wakes up beside this wrinkly, disgusting thing. She looks at him with a smile:
"Son, how old are you?"
"I'm 24."
"Aren't you a little too old to believe in witches?"

======

A big Kiwi fella was standing at the bar when a little champion homo wandered in. The ****** decliner sidled up to the Kiwi fella and whispered in his ear, “Hey mate, do you want a headjob?” The Kiwi bloke picked the little chap up, threw him across the room, grabbed a pool cue and proceeded to beat ten shades of **** out of him. Finally he picked him up and tossed him, unconscious out the front door. When the Kiwi bloke got back to the bar, the barman turned to him and said, “Oi Mark, that was a bit rough, eh? What did he say to ya?” The Kiwi replied, “I didn’t catch it all but it was something about a job.”

;)

[Tielir999]

Never mess with a Marine!

An army 2Lt. is taking his platoon on patrol when his scouts come running back and say
"Sir, there's a Marine standing in the way of the road".
The Lt. scoffs and sends a fire team to go investigate and remove the Marine.
They approach the Marine and he begins to head for a small ridge
on the side of the road and motions for them to follow.
As the rest of the platoon advances and takes cover they hear yelling and screaming.
The Marine emerges a couple minutes later and dusts himself off
and again stands in the middle of the road.
The Lt. curses and calls for a squad to remove the Devil Dog.
He again heads down to s small ridge and they follow.
Once again there is blood-curdling screaming and weeping.
And AGAIN the Marine emerges and dusts himself off.
Bewildered and pissed off, the Lt. sends all but his platoon Sgt. down and says
"Eliminate the motherfu**er". They run towards him and again follow him to the ridge.
The screaming begins again and suddenly a specialist comes running up,
bloody, his cammies all mangled. The Lt. is in shock and says
"What the hell is going on out there soldier?"
Gasping for breath the soldier replies,
"Its a trick sir!! There's two of em."

[Tielir999]

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

[Tielir999]

SUBMARINES ARE SAFER THAN AIRCRAFT .....
THE PROOF IN THIS FACT IS THAT THERE ARE MORE AIRCRAFT IN THE WATER THAN SUBMARINES IN THE SKY.

[Midav]

A girl was sitting in a bar minding her own business when this big Polynesian guy comes walking in.

He says to the girl. "Imagine what I can do with these big hands and these big jubbly lips."

She looks him up and down and thinks: "****, yeah." So she goes home with him. In the car, he says to her again: "Imagine what I can do with these big hands and these big jubbly lips."

By now, she's wetting herself in anticipation.

He gets her home and once they're inside she asks him. "OK big guy, what can you do with those big hands and those jubbly lips?"

He sticks his hands on his lips and goes: "blub, blub, blub."

======

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my ***** to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

======

An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a man named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling tired and dejected.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started at him: "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual roll in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a large whisky and headed off for a long soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bathtub the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realising what a day he must have had, she relented a bit and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, the sight of her husband's rear view greeted her as he bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?"

[Midav]

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town! "Where's the god damn, mother ****ing Manager you **** sucking arse wipe" he politely inquires to one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies "excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks "are you the chicken ****ing, manager of this bastard joint?". "Yes sir, I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "**** off" replies the bloke "and where's the ****ing piano?" "Pardon says the manager". "****ing deaf as well are we you little piece of snivelling ****, show us your pissing piano"

"Ahhhh replies the manager you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?". "Of course I can" and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's superb, what's it called"

"I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob" replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds in playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent" cries the manager "what's it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washing machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called" asks the manager. "As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece" replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on, she's wearing an almost see through dress, her **** are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin...

Any way it's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. His pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice: "where's that bloody pianist?". He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde gets up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear. "do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping jism on your shoes?". The bloke replies "Know it? I ****ing wrote it!!"

[Tielir999]

Deleted

[Midav]

Did you all hear about the dyslexic-insomniac-atheist?

He'd lie awake at night wondering if there truly was a dog...

Why did God give women breasts?

So men have something to look at when women talk...

p-)

[Midav]

After being killed, Osama goes to Heaven. The palace he is to live in is made of gold, thick luscious forests and mountains surround the area, milk and honey flowing in the river bed, birds chirping and singing all over the place and fresh fruits and vegetables are everywhere to be found. He looks at the magnificent scenery around him and praises God that he finally made it into paradise, when suddenly he sees George Washington stand in front of him. He hits Osama in the chops and yells “What have you done to my fine nation”?

Patrick Henry shows up and beats the living tar out of Osama, proceeded by James Madison and several dozen other people.

Osama screams out loud “This is not what I was promised”! Suddenly a ray of light shines on Osama and a loud voice says “These are your 72 Virginians. What do you think you were promised”?

[Midav]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

======

Kinda racist:

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $1,000 bills!

Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me..."

[Tielir999]

FRAGGING DRILL?
The sergeant was holding a drill with recruits in grenade throwing.

"Here's a live grenade. You pull this pin, count one, two, three,' and throw the thing. Got it?"

"Yes, sergeant,"

"Off we go, men! Johnson, your are the first."

The soldier pulled the pin, then yelled: "One, two, lliree. Throwing. Catch it, sergeant!"

[Tielir999]

Secret

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

[Tielir999]

After a young man had grown up and become a man, he and his father were seated in front of the TV, during a football game. During halftime exercises, his dad remarked, "Son, every time I gave you a whipping when you were bad, you would go into the bathroom and spend about 30 minutes, scrubbing the toilet. You got it spotlessly clean, and I could never figure out why you did that".

Without taking his eyes off the TV, the young man replied, "I was just getting even with you, for whipping me".

The father, startled, replied, "How? By cleaning the toilet?"

"No", the son answered, "by scrubbing it with YOUR TOOTHBRUSH".