Worst Movie ever critic: Alone in the Dark

[Macs.]

Oink Oink,

I rented this movie, because I really loved the video-game it is based on.
And I was very curios because I never saw and Ad for it, or that it played in any Cinemas... well, maybe I just missed it.
So I thought I give it a try.


The first look at the DVD Cover made me feel bad because... well it looked like BANG TRIPLE X LOLERZ FAST AND THE FURIOUS BOOM BOOM ****. But anyway, don't judge a Book by its cover !!!!!

The Plot:

Its one of these standard bad Plot.

Special-Mega Agent who is a bit of a Outsider and "I-DO-THIS-MY-OWN-WAY"-Guy (Stephen Dorff) (HIS NAME IS CARNBY, THROUGH HALF OF THE MOVIE I THOUGHT THEY SAY "PLAN B") with a Girlfriend which is a Scientist (Tara Reid), yes my ass is she scientist with her Tank-Top !!! BLA BLA BORING BLA BLA.

What sucked.
The Agent guy lives in New York, in a House... or better said HALL which is 229939 Feet big... YEAH GIVE ME A BREAK ??? WHAT THE **** !!! WHO LIVES IN SUCH A HOUSE ???????????????????????????

Things the game and the movie have in common:
Main charackter wears a leather jacket.
DONG - THATS IT


They are in a mine where they suspect the mega Deamons-Spawn. They go deeper and deeper kill some Deamnons bla bla bla and suddenly they are infront of a gigantic gate, and the Super-Agent (Dorff) is just about to place Magical Items in the gate, for it to open.... BANG Suddenly the Mega-Boss (who is a normal human) stands behind them and kills one of theire SWAT-Guys. BLA BLA BLA EVIL-GOOD GUY TALKIE TALKIE BLA BLA BLA
So the Bad guy wants the magical part to open the Gate... Super Agent (WHO JUST TRIED TO OPEN THE GATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) says "Oh no, you can't do that, this will bring dead upon all Humans" !!!!!!!!! YEAH WTF ?!??!?!? YOU JUST TRIED TO OPEN THE GATE YOU COCKSUCKER !!! WTF ??????????

So the bad guy goes and places the magical key into the Gate... when BANG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SWAT-Guy leader (Who, other then all other SWAT guys doesn't has to wear a Helmet; I think because of his Metro-****** hair) throws a FOLDING KNIFE !!!!!!!! and it perfectly hits the bad guy in the Heart and he dies... !!! LOL !!!! WTF ???????????????????????????????????????????

But the gate already opened and the Daemnos are in a BIG BIG HOLE and they are THOUSANDS !!!!!!!!!! So the Trio (WTF ??? WHY DID THE WOMAN SCIENTIST (REID) GO WITH THEM INTO THAT HELL-HOLE ANYWAY???? WTF???) decides to run away... But !!! Before they go they place a Remote-Control Bomb (A BOMB WHICH IS AS BIG AS A LUNCHBAG !!! LOL)
well, on half way they try to set off the Bomb, but the remote control doesnt work... so the Mega-SWAT Guy say "I have to go back and set off the Bomb"... then the Agent (Dorff) says "NO, DON'T DO THIS, THIS IS A SUICIDE MISSION" ::: YEAH WELL YOU COCKSUCKER !!! IF HE DOESN'T SET OFF THE BOMB ALL HUMANS HAVE TO DIE !!!!! GREAT !!!...
The Agent says "I have to do this, to save the earth".... Dorff says "Yes, ok !" and climbs up the ladder, and the SWAT guy runs to the BOMB !!! LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reid and Dorff climb up all the way untill they are out of the Mine and on a Field... when the bomb explodes (A BOMB AS BIG AS A LUNCHBAG !!! LOL !!) and BOOOOMMMMMMMM.

What I also don't understand is, is that is suddenly DAY, when just seconds before when they switched the Camera to some SWAT guys it was pitch black DARK !!!!

Well, then... they are in New York and every Human is dead, and they (REID AND DORFF) walk arm in arm through the city... the camera zooms on them and Dorff turns around in Fear... BANG BLACK SCREEN !!!

THE END !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Open end... ahhahaha **** off. (Concidence that all movie which had a Open End did suck hard and they never made a second part ? I dont think so... (Thinking of GODZILLA))

Worst movie EVER, wtf it sucked like creampie with moustache in a hole.

Who came up with this **** PLOT, it tasted like BULL**** in MIDSUMMER !!!!! I WANT ANYONE WHO HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS MOVIE GROW A LITTLE BABY LAMB ON HIS HEAD.

My brain hurted because the movie was really bad bad bad, and just stupid stupid stupid. I want to kick Uwe Boll in his Balls. twice with ice.

[eucalyptus]

I had the same feeling about Resident Evil

[Macs.]

I had the same feeling about Resident Evil

That makes me angry when I only think about it.

[MrScruff]

I watched Rat Race last night.

[Clete Torres]

http://img493.imageshack.us/img493/1484/siskel6my.jpg (http://imageshack.us)



Macsler is the German word for Siskel.

[Seiran]

I thought it was Christian Slater that was the main character in this sad-ass excuse for a film...

[Macs.]

I thought it was Christian Slater that was the main character in this sad-ass excuse for a film...

You are right !!!

I confused them, because those two homos look like the same.

The Super Agent is Slater, the SWAT-Boss is Dorffy Dorff.

[Eat a bullet]

I don't understand it, but I respect your insanity.

[Zarathustra]

I have just watched "code mercury" and it sucked. Even Bruce Willis don't make this film much more interesting.

[Macs.]

I have just watched "code mercury" and it sucked. Even Bruce Willis don't make this film much more interesting.

Well... HOMO !!!!!

[tsuri]

http://www.petitiononline.com/RRH53888/petition.html

[Saranof]

Of course it sucked; Chuck Norris didn't star in it. No Chuck Norris = N0 awesomeness.

[Eat a bullet]

^Haha, tsuri.

Have you seen the steamer he's about to drop? http://www.boll-kg.de/trailer/inthenameoftheking.htm
There's no way that this sh*t can be real.

[JoaMei]

Well... HOMO !!!!!

Can you do me a favour? Please watch "Ghosts of Mars" and "Starship Troopers II", if you still have the opinion "Alone in the dark" is ****ty after that I will buy you a Beer.

[Saranof]

That's probly true.
Star**** Troopers 2 made me cry

[GeraldDuval]

^Haha, tsuri.

Have you seen the steamer he's about to drop? http://www.boll-kg.de/trailer/inthenameoftheking.htm
There's no way that this sh*t can be real.

holy **** is that turkish and ray liota in a LOTR ripoff?! That movie looks like anus!

[Eat a bullet]

holy **** is that turkish and ray liota in a LOTR ripoff?! That movie looks like anus!
And Burt Reynolds...

It's based on the Dungeon Siege pc game.

[Redux]

I watched Rat Race last night.

omg that movie was pure shat. you know a movie blows when it ends with everyone dancing to Smashmouth. rowan atkinson probably hit his career low with that movie

[BloodyTalon]

On the bright side, Silent Hill looks like it will kick ass.

[toki]

This thread needs a good movie. It's already 3 years old, but i just rented Wonderland. It's about John Holmes after his glorious **** career. Drugs and finally the involvement in a brutal murder of 4. As i understood the film is very factual and all the original police scripts were used for this film. And Val Kilmer is great. My DVD tip of the month.

[Clete Torres]

Wonderland was really good. You've got good taste Toki. Not like that other faggot Macs.

[zonk]

starship troopers two was like watching desperate house bugs

[Clete Torres]

Tomb Raider was excellent.

[gaz]

Tomb Raider was excellent.

It had very good editing.

[molly747]

You willingly spent money on a movie that featured Tara Reid as a scientist.




You get what you deserve.

[Hawaii_Light]

Yeah i laughed so much during alone in the dark, exspecially the part were all those swat guys are in a little store room and there all shooting at that dog thing and its all computer animated, what a ****ing peice of **** of a movie. on the other hand Munich rocks my ****ing world!!, one of the greatest movies i have ever seen. defenitly the best speilberg movie.

[Ria]

I watched Spanglish for a second time recently, it wasn't as bad as I first thought. I really like it now, actually. Paz Vega is drop dead gorgeous. Adam Sandler was cute in it, he's a good guy.

I saw Flight Plan today, nothing special at all. Was very disappointed in Peter Sarsgaard, his character was so boring, he's usually fabulous. He wore this monotonous, tired look constantly.
Had some nice directing points but overall, very meh.

[Lexi]

To put it lightly Macs,

You're annoying and I hope you choke.:hug:

[nagant_m44]

hey macs wtf do u expect from a movie directed by Uwe Boll??

[molly747]

We watched Lord of War the other night, and I was pretty disappointed (but then again, I've come to expect that from Nicolas Cage movies). I liked the first half--the intro credits with the bullet was pretty cool. All in all, it was extremely Hollywood, all the while trying too hard to not seem Hollywood. It was the most Bruckheimer-y non-Bruckheimer I've ever seen.

I thought the last half was waaaaaaay preachy. It seemed like every single Joe Schmo had a definite opinion of gun-running and the inter-workings of Third World civil wars. It put the viewers on a guilt trip about gun-running, African conflict, and the plight of AIDS. So... I'm to blame for all of this? The last ten minutes were super condescending and heavy-handed, almost to the point of insulting.

Also, the idea that Nic Cage, one of the most powerful gun-runners on the planet, actually went to the Third World countries alone and without a massively armed and intimidating entourage? What am I, retarded?

And another thing: I love how all the deals went down outdoors and within feet of the actual conflict. In reality, stuff like that goes down in a hotel room at a Ramada Inn in Dayton, Ohio. :roll: The entire idea of those kinds of things is subtley and being extremely low-key.

[Hawaii_Light]

I thought Lord of War was a great movie, and although the scenes were he is selling the wares are pretty far fetched, i met a guy who sells weapons to Taiwan and acouple of other nations (he's in the employ of the U.S government) and he said the scenes were he is buying up large stores of weapons left by the Soviets and Americans is pretty much accurate, of course these days he deals with brand new straight from the factory stuff, but hell we all had to start somewhere.

[JQ24]

Have you seen the steamer he's about to drop? http://www.boll-kg.de/trailer/inthenameoftheking.htm
There's no way that this sh*t can be real.

What the hell?! Martial arts in those times? Hahaha. Well I hope Silent Hill will not be another one of those sad ass videogame to movie adaptations like "DOOM."

[<Gypsum Fantastic>]

It sounds good.

[Rantanplan]

What the hell?! Martial arts in those times?

What exactly are "those times" in a fantasy movie?

[Rantanplan]

Btw: How about this pearl of entertainment?

http://www.themushroomkingdom.net/mania/images/smbmovie_poster.jpg

[Atlantic Friend]

I have just watched "code mercury" and it sucked. Even Bruce Willis don't make this film much more interesting.

The only things to salvage from this trainwreck were Baldwin's character and Peter Stormare.

[Holstein]

Ghosts of Mars, Resident Evil I&II.........worst movies everrofl rofl

[JoaMei]

Ghosts of Mars, Resident Evil I&II.........worst movies everrofl rofl

Actually Resident Evil 1 wasnt that bad in my opinion, and Resident Evil 2 was not really ****ty. That means you havent seen Starship Troopers 2, you cant be really objective in this issue.

Im wondering why nobody has mentioned the Wing Commander Movie here?

[Uncle Sam]

Macs...You watched a movie with Christian Slater (The only movie he was good in was True Romance), Tara Reid (Need I say more), and Stephen Dorff (Should fire his agent)...What did you expect?

I've seen cartoon characters with more talent.

And Resident Evil....Milla Jovovich! 'nuff said.

[Hullebullen]

Yeah, if you think the first Resident evil movie was bad you haven't seen any truly ****ty movies. For being a game turned into a movie it was one of the better so far. REII was quite sucky though, with that big monster/zombie/ubersoldier...

[Count Lippe]

Never EVER watch movies made after video games! NEVER!!!!!!oneoneoneeleven:bash:

[JoaMei]

Never EVER watch movies made after video games! NEVER!!!!!!oneoneoneeleven:bash:

Same goes vice versa, never play Games made after Movies...

[Count Lippe]

true.......

[Hukatus]

if anyone has seen a movie called Special Forces then you'd know what i call the worst movie ever. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0324038/

[Zarathustra]

Never EVER watch movies made after video games! NEVER!!!!!!oneoneoneeleven:bash:

However there are videos games made after movies that worth playing. Remember Goldeneye on the old N64 ? I think it was even better than the original movie.

[Holstein]

Actually Resident Evil 1 wasnt that bad in my opinion, and Resident Evil 2 was not really ****ty. That means you havent seen Starship Troopers 2, you cant be really objective in this issue.
Im wondering why nobody has mentioned the Wing Commander Movie here?

Actually ive seen Starship Troopers 2 but i was drunk then........so i dont remember much, but i know we had a good laugh

[Count Lippe]

However there are videos games made after movies that worth playing. Remember Goldeneye on the old N64 ? I think it was even better than the original movie.
Wow, that game was realy good. But there's allways an exception to the rule... ;)