Submit your military jokes here

[Sulph8]

Hey guys I was hoping we could get some military jokes going. Heres one I found, some of you may have seen it:

Air Force Squawks
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

[Beloved Shiv]

A Navy officer is visiting the head to take a leak (seated in a stall). He hears someone come in as he finishes and goes to wash his hands.

Gunny's come into the head to drain the snake. He finishes and heads out, right past the fleet officer at the sink busy getting under his nails and counting to 30 for germs.

The officer says, "You know, in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands for cleanliness."

Gunny responds, "In the Corps ... they teach us not to piss on our hands!"

[Vance]

A soldier, a sailor, an airman, and a marine get into an argument about
what armed force is the best. The argument gets so heated that they fail
to see an on-coming truck. They are hit and killed instantly. When they
arrive in heaven, they see Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. So they
decide he can settle their argument. They walk up and ask him, "Saint
Peter, what Military Service is the best?" He thinks for a moment, then
says, "Well, I'm afraid I can't tell you. But I'll tell you what. I'll
talk to God next time I see Him, and I'll find out for you. In the mean
time, welcome to heaven." So they enter. Later, they see Saint Peter
while walking around, and they ask him about their question. But before
Saint Peter can say anything, trumpets blare, a bright light shines, and
a white dove flies out of the light with an envelope in it's beak. Saint
Peter says, "Ah, here's the answer from the Boss." He takes the letter,
and the dove flies off. He opens it, trumpets play, gold dust flies up,
and Saint Peter reads aloud:

FROM THE DESK OF GOD

TO: SOLDIERS, SAILORS, AIRMEN, AND MARINES

RE: WHICH SERVICE IS BEST.

Dear Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines,
All branches of the United States Armed forces are truly honorable.
One should take pride in serving with the Military. You are all
well-trained men, all capable of pulling off your job exceedingly well.
Therefore, there is no superior service.

Sincerely,
God, US Army(Ret.)

[Sulph8]

Lol! Good stuff guys! :lol: Heres another one:

Feel The Love

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at
me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start
loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."

[Scrim]

A bratty little boy walks into a gas station restroom. there is a sailor in there taking a piss. The little boy in awe says "Wow are you really in the Navy?"
The sailor replies "Thats right son"
"Wow, your a real sailor."
"Sure thing son."
The little boy says"Gimmie your hat I wanna wear it"
The sailor smiles and hands the kid his hat. As the little boy is admiring his new hat in the mirror, in walks a Marine. The little boy in awe again "Wow are you in the Marines?"
The Marine replies "Thats right kid."
"So your a real Marine?"
"Yes I am."
Once again the boy says."Gimmie your hat I wanna wear it"
The Marine replies"Suck my c#ck you little punk"
The little boy replies"Oh no, Im not really in the Navy, Im just borrowing the hat."

[FallenAngel]

Different "****" standards

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 pound. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is ****!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 pound pack on his back, 15 pound weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good ****!"

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 pound pack on his back, 15 pound weapon in hand, after having had a 10 mile swim to shore, a five crawl through swamps, and a 25 mile march in jungle, at night, through enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great ****."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 pound pack on his back and a 15 pound weapon in each hand, after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this ****."

An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of **** is this?"

[OzMan]

A joint exercise is going on involving Amercian, British, and Australian forces. The three commanders inevitably get onto the subject of which country has the bravest soldiers. The American general looks at his colleagues and says, "Watch this." He summons one of his sergeants and tells him, "Now Sergeant, do you see that tank right there?" The sergeant replies, "Sir yes Sir!"
"Now I want you to run out there, lay down in front of it, and get run over. Understand?"
"Sir yes Sir!"
The sergeant runs over there, and SPLAT! gets run over.

The British general, though impressed, says, "No, watch this." He calls over one of his sergeants and says, "Now listen, lad. Do you see that plane over there?"
"Yes sir."
"I want you to go over there, get in it, fly it up to 20,000 feet, and jump out without a parachute. Understand?"
"Yes sir."
The sergeant runs to the plane, starts it up, takes off, climbs, then jumps. SPLAT. He dies on impact.

The Australian general says, "I've got one better."
He calls one of his sergeants, and says, "Listen mate, do you see that cliff over there?"
"Yes sir."
"I want you to go over there and jump off it."
The sergeant replies, "Ah, **** that, sir," and walks away, back to his duty. The general says to his comrades and says, "See, now that's brave."


Three Marines are patrolling in the woods when they come across a set of tracks. The first Marine says, "Those are deer tracks."
The second Marine says, "Those are moose tracks."
The third Marine says, "Those are elk tracks."
The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

What's the difference between a pilot and a jet engine?
The engine quits whining when the plane shuts off.

Differential Theory of US Forces
(Snake Model)
How different US forces will react upon encountering a snake in the combat theatre:

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves the area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over the snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has GPS coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest, and manicures.

Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target Barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills hundreds of civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (including cooks, mechanics, and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building ******* with the snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from the combat theatre.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Makes long-range visual contact with snake, perches on a hill, and reports in GPS coordinates for precision air strike. Air strike fails, and the CCTs simply guide the snake elsewhere.

Pararescue: Wounds the snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save it.

Supply: (Notice: Your Anti-Snake equipment in on backorder)

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment from supply, delivers two weeks late.

F16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

AH64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on IR scopes.

UH60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake marks LZ with large bonfire. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

B52 pilot: pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every living thing within two miles of target.

Missile Crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't recevie authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence Officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity LOW.

JAG: Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.


Rangers vs SF

The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and SF qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new counter-terrorist unit. The Sergeant Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked 747 being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and a counter-terrorist unit formed of either Rangers or SF was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you expect to happen?

Ranger Option:
Forces/Equipment committed: Ranger company of 120 men with standard army issue equipment.

Mission Preparation: Ranger Company 1/sgt would conduct a haircut and boots inspection.

Infiltration Technique: They would insist on double-timing, in company formation, wearing their combat equipment, and singing jodies all the way to the site of the hijacked aircraft.

Actions in the AO: Once arrived, the Ranger company would establish their ORP, put out security elements, conduct a leaders recon, reapply their face cammo, and conduct final preparations for Actions on the OBJ.

Results of the Operation: The R/R operation would be completed in under one hour; all of the terrorists and most of the passengers would be killed, the Rangers would have sustained light casualties and the 747 would be worthless to anyone except a scrap dealer.

SF Option:

Forces/Equipment Committed: SF would only send in one 12 man team, however, due to the exotic nature of their equipment the SF team would cost the same amount to deploy the Ranger Company.

Mission Preparation: The SF team sergeant would request relaxed grooming standards for the team.

Infiltration Technique: The team would insist on seperate travel orders with Max Per Diem, and each would get to the site of the hijacking by his own means. At least one third of the team would insist on jumping in.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived, the SF team would cache their military uniforms, establish a Team Room, use their illegal Team Fund to stock the unauthorized Team Room Bar, check out the situation by talking to the locals, and have a Team Meeting to discuss the merits of the terrorists' cause.

Results of the Operation: The R/R operation would take two weeks to complete and by that time all of the terrorists would have been killed, (and would have left signed confessions); the passengers would have been ruined psychologically (suffering from severe Stockholm Syndrome) for the rest of their lives; and all of the female passengers would be pregnant. The 747 would be essentially unharmed, the team would have taken no casualties but would have used up, lost, or stolen all the "high speed" equipment.

[Scrim]

Good ones so far gents...
This ones kind of corny....
How many soldiers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to hold it, the other two to spin him around.

How many airmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve. three airmen to do the work, two officers to suppervise,two airmen to operate the air-conditioning, the other five to serve refreshments and ice-cream.

How many sailors doed it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two.One to screw it in, the other to tell him how nice he looks up on the ladder.

How many Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Marines are not afraid of the dark.

[Beowulf]

Why do sailors use powdered soap...because it takes longer to pick up.

[GearGod]

Always gotta have MURPHYS LAWS OF COMBAT:

1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When they're ready.
b. When you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. All or any of the above combined.

[Duke]

Vance the joke you submitted is about seventy years old and you and I know you changed the punch line from USMC to Army.

[Trigger]

The Marine Emblem:
a seagull sitting on a beachball, with an anchor up it's ass, shouting 'Go Navy'

[Vance]

Vance the joke you submitted is about seventy years old and you and I know you changed the punch line from USMC to Army.
Shut the **** up no I didnt. I got it off of another forums and it said US Army.

[Duke]

Little boy go do your homework.

[Vance]

:roll:

[GearGod]

about changing punch lines... ive seen various jokes being changed from USMC to ARMY to BRITSH ARMY... everyone likes to change it

[axl]

@eagle 1-1
muahahahaha, the snake one...muahahahahaha...armor rulez :-) and hey, its so f***ing true...muahahahahaha....we drove like that...
and the best, my pal is an f-16 guy...muahahahahahaha

regards
axl

[Duke]

"VAMPIRE! VAMPIRE! VAMPIRE! Bull**** inbound!" "Releasing Bull**** chaffe!" an enlisted man and officer friends.....yeah right.

[a. enders]

rofl

[fng]

MARINE stands for My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment

Q: What do the Russians do with their armys?
A: They put them in their sleevies.
(Ok, not that funny but it works with preschoolers.)

[IronHeart_26]

Ok you guys....go easy on me with this one. I rarely ever post anything and this one is kind of silly but still funny....in some places

Your Family Might Be Hooah If...

~Your newborn must attend Rip within the first 30 days of life...
~Your wife's two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam...
~Your children clear housing before going to college...
~You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags in you floorboard as part of a routine tune-up...
~Your station wagon is equipped with blackout lights...
~Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus...
~Your kids call their mother "Household 6."
~You give the command "Fix bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner...
~Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on seperate rations...
~You make your daughter sign out on Prom Night...
~You refer to your spouse affectionately as "the wifely unit."
~Your wife conducts an AAR hotwash after ***...
~Your son fails the third grade but tells everyone he was a "phase three recycle."
~Your kids get an LES for their allowance...
~You threaten to punish your spouse for having dinner too late by reducing her to "Wife First Class."
~Your kids recite their ABC's phonetically...
~Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceramony...
~Your dog's name is "Ranger."
~Your son's name is "Ranger."
~All your possessions are military issue...
~Your kids fashion silly putty to look like Claymores and put them at the perimeter of the backyard...
~your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster."

[IronHeart_26]

Here's another one....not really a joke...but still good.

The 25 Commandments of Operational Security


I. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.

II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.

III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.

IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies' eyes are upon thee.

V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.

VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.

VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.

VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.

IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.

X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.

XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.

XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy cammo, for they pointeth to thee.

XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.

XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.

XV. Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies are listening.

[crew341]

"Five things you never want to hear in the military"

1. A Private say "I learned this in basic..."
2. A SGT say "Trust me sir..."
3. A 2LT say "Based on my experience..."
4. A CPT say "I was just thinking..."
5. An infantryman say "Watch this ****..."

[IronHeart_26]

Hi Crew.....I've read that one, but the 5th was a Warrant Officer in the version I read. It's still good though.

[yellowking]

I've lost the originals, but here are two WW2 "TRUE STORIES:"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A British officer is addressing a company of Ghurkas, looking for volunteers for a secret mission. "You chaps will fly in under the cover of darkness, jump out of the plane at 500 feet, land inside the fortifications and neutralize the enemy," he says. "All volunteers step forward!" About one out of every three Ghurkas steps forward. Angry, the officer tells the NCO, "I thought your men were brave! Why don't they volunteer?"

The NCO talks to the troops, and comes back to the officer. "Men scared!" he says. "They say 500 feet too high! They want 100 feet."

"100 FEET!" yells the officer. "Their parachutes will never open!"

At which point the NCO tells his troops, "No problem, you get parachute!" and the rest step forward.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At Crete, a British officer finds an exhausted Sikh bringing in 10 German POWs. "Goodness!" he exclaims. "How did you manage to capture so many?"

"Too tired to bayonet them all, Sir!" replies the Sikh.

rofl