*Official* 'Post a joke' Thread

[Scottie]

I haven't seen an official joke thread, so i'm gonna make one...
So post jokes that we can all have a laugh of.

Here are a couple to start you off with ;)

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood at the Smith's for three days like an idiot and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

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A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams and asks her what he should do next.

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card, invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date.

His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[gaz]

They were *officially* sh*t.

[RGRBOX]

Those were pretty good.

I get a joke everyday on my Playboy desk calender...

"Two blondes walked into a building, you'd think they would have seen it..."

"A young wife whose ornery husband had grown neglectful decided to make a last-ditch effort to arouse his dormant interest by shocking him into jealousy.
"Darling", she purred one night, "the doctor I visited today said I had the most flawless face, full, well-rounded breast, and the loveliest legs he'd ever seen."
"Did he say anything about your fat azz?" her husband asked her.
"Oh no, dear," she said without missing a beat. "Your name wasn't mentioned once."

[RGRBOX]

They were *officially* sh*t.


OK Gaz... you come up with some good ones then....

[Scottie]

They were *officially* sh*t.
i *unofficially* thought so....

would you like to *officially* contribute?


Those were pretty good.

I get a joke everyday on my Playboy desk calender...

"Two blondes walked into a building, you'd think they would have seen it..."

"A young wife whose ornery husband had grown neglectful decided to make a last-ditch effort to arouse his dormant interest by shocking him into jealousy.
"Darling", she purred one night, "the doctor I visited today said I had the most flawless face, full, well-rounded breast, and the loveliest legs he'd ever seen."
"Did he say anything about your fat azz?" her husband asked her.
"Oh no, dear," she said without missing a beat. "Your name wasn't mentioned once."

nice ;)

[gaz]

OK Gaz... you come up with some good ones then....
Try here (http://www.militaryphotos.net/forums/showthread.php?t=65827), there's fourteen pages of them, some funny, some sh*t, all retarded.

[Scottie]

yea but i was thinking about more genuine ones, and slightly less retarded ;)..

[RGRBOX]

Try here (http://www.militaryphotos.net/forums/showthread.php?t=65827), there's fourteen pages of them, some funny, some sh*t, all retarded.

Thanks Gaz... I love to laugh..

[zonk]

hear about the time hellen keller fell down the well.....screamed her hands off

how did helen keller burn her ear....answering the iron

how did she burn her other ear....they called back

why did helen keller's dog run away.....you'd run to if your name was ahahahgagagnahahh(no tas funny typed out)

how do you get revenge on helen keller....re arrange the furniture

[Abakan94]

why did the hobo cross the road?

because I was going to shoot him with my glock.

rofl rofl
rofl rofl
rofl rofl
rofl rofl

[Adumb]

ha ha ha


:|

[hell]

Why did they outlaw bingo in Iraq?


Because everyone scrambled for cover anytime they called B-1

[hell]

A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.

"Mummy," the first daughter asks. "Why am I called Rose?"

"Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."

"Mummy," asked the second daughter. "Why am I called Tulip?"

"Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead."

The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!"

"Be quiet Fridge!" said the mother.

[Gauntlet]

Women sports

[percell_086]

hell in a helmet, I know the dutch version of it :) great joke imo

[Atlantic Friend]

Ok, here's one especially for you dirty jokes fans.

A guy works as a cafe waiter, and everyday he's carrying plates of drinks and sandwiches from table to table, running from customer to customer in a desperate race to serve everyone quickly.

On one of his few days off, he decides to take a stroll in the nearby woods, kicking mushrooms as he walks. Suddenly he finds a big mushroom, brightly colored and nearly as tall as an umbrella. Out of boredom, he kicks it, and from the crushed mushroom suddenly a little elf appears.

"hello !" says the elf. "I'm the Lucky Elf, and I can grant you one wish ! Pick up whatever you desire most and I'll make it happen !"

"Ok, the waiter says, then I want a hand a meter wide."

"Sorry ? You're sure you don't want fame or money or women ? "

"No, no, a hand a meter wide is what I want"

"Ok, so be it"

And the waiter finds his hand has grown to be a meter wide. The following day, back at work he amazes his boss with his humoungous hand, serving three customers at the time. The landowner asks what happened to the waiter's hand, and immediately heads for the forest looking for a similar mushroom.

After a few hours of strenuous search, the bar's owner finally finds a similar mushrooms and kicks it over. Immediately a little elf appears>

" Hello ! I'm the lucky..."

"Yes I know, I know, look, I want a d*ck a meter long"

The elfs sighs and says " Why do I have to get all the wackos in the world ? Do you know NO woman will be able to make love with you if your d*ck is a meter long ?"

"Dont you worry about that, I know guy who has a hand a meter wide !"

[percell_086]

hahahha that's a good one

[zonk]

a mother and her daughter were walking in the park
the little girl looked over and saw two people on the bench having ***
mommy mommy she cried what are those two people doing
the mom obviously flustered thought dast and replied"they are baking a cake hun" this satified the little girl andthey went home and went to bed.
the next morning the little girl runs up to her mom and says mommy mommy i know what you and daddy were doing last night
the mom curious asked "what were we doing sweety"
you were baking a cake and i just licked the icing off the couch


the end

[hell]

http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/5575/count11em.gif (http://imageshack.us)

[futurepilot2004]

If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

[frankie]

The following joke is borderline NSF human consumption........
Man walks into the Doctor's office.
Man........You see doc the I have this problem, well not reall me, but my wife does.

Doc.....What is it?

Man..... Well you see my wife is hot.

Doc.... Tell me something I don't know.

Man..... Well, you see... we have a very very active *** life....

Doc....O.K. and......??

Man......Well, like 3 times a day active, and this is our tenth year together, you can imagine how many times a day we went at it when we were younger.

Doc..... O.K. I think I get your point.

Man... Not sure you do so I;ll spell it out. You see, she has developed, shall we say, a little elasticity issue. In short, she's not as tight as she used to be. Rather lose actually. I was wondering, Is there an operation...?? A way you could throw a couple stiches in her to fix the problem??

Doc..... Not really, but I may have a solution.

Man.......Really Doc?

Doc......Well, ummmmm well, not really sure how "Open minded" you and your wife are, but have you thought about using the other hole?????

Man......WHAT?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????AND RISK GETTING HER PREGNANT??

[Adumb]

^ OMFG roflroflrofl

[digrar]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this Convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information
that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about ******ity."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the
best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[Scottie]

haha nice one digrar

[ABNINF]

A husband and wife from Alabama were at the hospital because the time had come. A wedding night pregnancy, and the wife was in labor and having their first kid. The doctor delivered a baby boy, then announced that there was another one coming. The father started sweating an worrying due to the financial nature of taking care of 2 kids. The doctor delivered a baby girl, only to announce that the wife was delivering ANOTHER baby. Well, at this point the father was on the verge of fainting, and was racking his brain trying to figure out how this could have happened. Well, after another baby boy was delivered and the family returned home, he announced to his wife that he had figured out why they had had triplets. "Huny, I think it was that there 3 in 1 lube that made this happen. I guess it's a gud thang we didn use that WD-40 lak I wanted too!"

[sir-chimp]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

So the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

" The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat!

"Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden"

[ABNINF]

rofl that's a good one.

[Scottie]

har har!!:P


Ivan was a dirt poor Russian peasant. One day while walking through the countryside he discovered an old lamp. He started to polish it and out came a genie who told him that for freeing him from the lamp he would grant Ivan one wish.

Ivan thought for a minute before declaring, "I am a poor simple man with simple needs, therefore I wish that Ivan pee vodka!" The Genie exclaimed that Ivan's wish was granted and disappeared in a poof of smoke.

Ivan runs home and bursts through the door yelling, "Wife, bring two cups...tonight we drink vodka!!!" He pees in the cups and sure enough, it's the best vodka either had ever tasted. They drink into the wee hours of the morning.

The next night he comes through the door and again hollers, "Wife, bring two cups....tonight we drink vodka!!!" This continues all week until Friday night when Ivan comes in the door and exclaims, "Wife, bring me one cup!!!"

His wife is upset and asks, "Ivan, all week you say bring two cups and we drink vodka, so why tonight do you only ask for one cup?"

Ivan smiles and replies, "Because tonight wife, you drink from bottle!!!"

[MBG]

Nice one Scottie :lol:

[Scottie]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[Scottie]

An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two guys while he has been gone, she wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.

The soldier did what any squared away soldier would do. He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women. He then mailed about twenty five of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

[RGRBOX]

The first one was funny until it got sick... the second was sick until it got funny... good jokes Scottie..

[Frequency]

A bear, a lion and a duck are sitting in a bar bragging about who's the scariest.
"I'm so scary," says the bear "when I growl, the whole forest shakes"
"Well, I can beat that" says the lion "I'm so scary, when I roar, the whole jungle shakes"
"Awww, piss off you two," says the duck "all I do is cough and the whole world sh!ts itself"

[Hydro]

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?


An elephant with the sh*ts.

[toki]

A bear, a lion and a duck are sitting in a bar bragging about who's the scariest.
"I'm so scary," says the bear "when I growl, the whole forest shakes"
"Well, I can beat that" says the lion "I'm so scary, when I roar, the whole jungle shakes"
"Awww, piss off you two," says the duck "all I do is cough and the whole world sh!ts itself"

ok i :lol:'d

[Haiw]

Jack Mehoff.

[Scottie]

ok i :lol:'d

haha nice joke too!

[farmgirl]

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[cepera]

There's only two things I hate in life - racism and niggaz.

[Thor]

Two morticians sat down over a cup of coffee

A: "Last night they sent me this beautiful woman, she had been in a car crash."

B: "What a shame.."

A: "There was something strange about her though.."

B: "What's that?"

A: "Her pussy lips.."

B: "What?? What was wrong with them?"

A: "They were like cucumbers."

B: "Cucumbers? That big??"

A: "No, that salty."

[Apathy]

Jack Mehoff.

rofl rofl rofl rofl

[hell]

A large bodybuilder is hanging out at the beach, and he meets a beautiful woman, and they start talking. After awhile, he asks her if she wants to come back to his place. She thinks about it for a second, and then says yes.

Once at his place, they begin to fool around. He takes off his shirt, and she says "Wow, look at those abs!"

He says "Yea baby, 150 pounds of dynamite." They fool around some more, then he takes his pants off.

She says "Wow, look at those calves!"

He says "Yea baby, 150 pounds of dynamite." After messing around for another few minutes, he takes his boxers off. She stands there for a second, and then takes off running. He puts his pants back on and runs after her, catching up to her after two blocks.

He says "Wait, why did you just run out of there?"

She stops and thinks for a second, then says "I was afraid to be around all of that dynamite with such a short fuse."

[RGRBOX]

Two morticians sat down over a cup of coffee

A: "Last night they sent me this beautiful woman, she had been in a car crash."

B: "What a shame.."

A: "There was something strange about her though.."

B: "What's that?"

A: "Her pussy lips.."

B: "What?? What was wrong with them?"

A: "They were like cucumbers."

B: "Cucumbers? That big??"

A: "No, that salty."

Sick! Sick! Sick! but funny..rofl

[hell]

If I had a rooster, and you had a mule, and your mule ate both feet off of my rooster, what would you have?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Two feet of my **** in your ass.....

[Jurpula]

An Aussie tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness.

On his way he saw a bloke having *** with a sheep.

Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

"Fer ****'s sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke banging a sheep, and now some bloke's spanking himself in the bar!"

"Fair go, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep."

[Jurpula]

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

[Sierra_Tango69]

hehe, nice jokes Jurpula

[Jurpula]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:
"Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me
for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going
out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my
girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in
a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving
he turns back and says: After all, give me one more condom because my
girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always
makes allusions... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she
is expecting something from me!!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his
left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad
gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless
this dinner...thank you for all you give us."
A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your
kindness..." Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

[h22chen]

A brunette, a red head and a blonde were slated to be executed by firing squad.
On the month before their execution, they were secretly informed that if they shout out a diaster when the soldiers were about to shoot, the soldiers would panic and run away, leaving them the time to free themselves and escape.

The first day of the execution came and the brunette was led out and tied to a post.
The officer in charge shouted:
"ready..."
"aim.."
then all of a sudden the brunette cried out "tornado!"
All hell broke loose and the soldiers all hid away in panic. The brunette loosened her self and escaped.

The next day, the red head was led out and tied to the execution post.
The officer shouted:
"ready..."
"aim..."
Redhead: "typhoon!"
As what had happened before, all the soldier scramed and hid themselves away leaving the Red head alone. She loosened her bindings and escaped.

On the last day of execution, the blonde was led out and tied to the execution post.
The officier shouted:
"Ready!..."
"Aim!.."
The blonde replied "Fire!"

[RGRBOX]

A brunette, a red head and a blonde were slated to be executed by firing squad.
On the month before their execution, they were secretly informed that if they shout out a diaster when the soldiers were about to shoot, the soldiers would panic and run away, leaving them the time to free themselves and escape.

The first day of the execution came and the brunette was led out and tied to a post.
The officer in charge shouted:
"ready..."
"aim.."
then all of a sudden the brunette cried out "tornado!"
All hell broke loose and the soldiers all hid away in panic. The brunette loosened her self and escaped.

The next day, the red head was led out and tied to the execution post.
The officer shouted:
"ready..."
"aim..."
Redhead: "typhoon!"
As what had happened before, all the soldier scramed and hid themselves away leaving the Red head alone. She loosened her bindings and escaped.

On the last day of execution, the blonde was led out and tied to the execution post.
The officier shouted:
"Ready!..."
"Aim!.."
The blonde replied "Fire!"
That was a good one.. even made my wife laugh.. she's a brunette.

[Tielir999]

You only have to do 2 things in life die and pay taxes unless your an illigal immigrant then all you have to do is die.

[h22chen]

One day a Bear was chasing a Rabbit on a beach and they found a lamp lying on the beach.

Being curious, the Bear called a truce and both the Rabbit and the Bear took the lamp and rubbed it.

*poof
A genie came out and said:
"Thank you Bear and Rabbit for releasing me from my 2000 year entrapment. Normally when you both rub the lamp, both of you divide up the three wishes; but since I'm so happy for getting out after so long, you can have three wishes each!."

The Bear getting excited went and started wishing.
Bear: "I wish for all the Bears in this area aside from me turn into females."
Genie snaps his fingers: "done!"

The Bear getting more excited began his second wish.
Bear: "I wish that all the Bears in the world aside from me became females!."
Genie snaps his fingers: "done!"

Now the Bear is getting really really excited and called out his last wish.
Bear: "I wish for unlimited stamina so that I could procreate with all the female bears in the world and not die of exhaustion!"
Genie snaps his fingers: "done!"

Now, it's the Rabbit's turn to make wishes.
Rabbit: "I wish for a bicycle helmet"
Genie: "done!"

Well, the Bear's eyebrow shot up and was wondering what the Rabbit is doing.
Rabbit: "I wish for a motorcycle"
Genie: "done!"

Now, the Bear is getting really curious and was going towards the Rabbit. The Rabbit made his last wish.

Rabbit: "I wish for the Bear to be gay!"
Then he hopped on his motorcycle and drove away.