Scrim
03-05-2004, 12:17 PM
Dont know if this is new, but thought it was pretty funny. Dont anyone get their panties in a wad, its all in fun.
New Oaths of Enlistment
_____
US Air Force Oath of Enlistment
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United StatesAir Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously.
I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean,donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.
_____________
Signature
Date
_____
US Army Oath of Enlistment
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United
States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into
the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy
won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and
tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing
straps.
I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when have a date. I
willcontinue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my
Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will
ever see is a court-martial for ****** harassment. I acknowledge the fact
that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that
it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my ******...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I
did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around
like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife
stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air
Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I
will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely
nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company." I
understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get
a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my
friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me
$30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a
placement exam. So help me God.
_____________
Signature
Date
_____
US Navy Oath of Enlistment
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force
was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my
namestenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I
will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS
during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world. Using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head"
instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the
fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that
matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutey
no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am
buddy- buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up
in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I
consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal
year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit
myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found
"colleagues." So help me Neptune.
_____________
Signature
Date
_____
US Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight... ...
cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... HOORAH! So help me Corps.
_____________
Thumb Print
Date (Y/N)
New Oaths of Enlistment
_____
US Air Force Oath of Enlistment
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United StatesAir Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously.
I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean,donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.
_____________
Signature
Date
_____
US Army Oath of Enlistment
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United
States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into
the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy
won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and
tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing
straps.
I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when have a date. I
willcontinue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my
Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will
ever see is a court-martial for ****** harassment. I acknowledge the fact
that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that
it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my ******...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I
did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around
like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife
stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air
Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I
will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely
nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company." I
understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get
a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my
friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me
$30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a
placement exam. So help me God.
_____________
Signature
Date
_____
US Navy Oath of Enlistment
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force
was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my
namestenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I
will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS
during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world. Using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head"
instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the
fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that
matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutey
no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am
buddy- buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up
in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I
consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal
year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit
myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found
"colleagues." So help me Neptune.
_____________
Signature
Date
_____
US Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight... ...
cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... HOORAH! So help me Corps.
_____________
Thumb Print
Date (Y/N)