A Joke

[Trigger]

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he
goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph. The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the henhouse - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."



Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're about to land..."

[memphiz]

HAHAHA nice

[SeanR]

Ireland:

Two nuns are driving down a dirt road in their beat up car, when they realize they're almost empty on gas. They quickly pull over. The nuns walk for nearly an hour before spotting a farmer working across the road. The two nuns approach him and ask, "Pardon me Sir, but could you spare us any Petrol? We're nearly out." The man says, "I think I've got enough , but I have nothing to put it in for you!" He looks around and realizes he does have one thing they could use..."the only thing I've got is this chamber-pot!"(a bed-pan). The two nuns agree to use it, so the man fills it up with gas. The nuns thank the man and make their way back down the road. They finally arrive at their car, and start to pour the gas from the chamber-pot into the car's tank. Just as they are doing this, an old Protestant man comes trotting down the road. As he sees the nuns, he mumbles, "Bah, the Catholics, if they haven't got the faith!"

[Lysander]

I don't know if this was already posted, but here's a decent one:

http://www.7fire.com/blondjoke.htm

[ShadowNeo]

I don't know if this was already posted, but here's a decent one:

http://www.7fire.com/blondjoke.htm

rofl

[SeanR]

Ireland:

Two nuns are driving down a dirt road in their beat up car, when they realize they're almost empty on gas. They quickly pull over. The nuns walk for nearly an hour before spotting a farmer working across the road. The two nuns approach him and ask, "Pardon me Sir, but could you spare us any Petrol? We're nearly out." The man says, "I think I've got enough , but I have nothing to put it in for you!" He looks around and realizes he does have one thing they could use..."the only thing I've got is this chamber-pot!"(a bed-pan). The two nuns agree to use it, so the man fills it up with gas. The nuns thank the man and make their way back down the road. They finally arrive at their car, and start to pour the gas from the chamber-pot into the car's tank. Just as they are doing this, an old Protestant man comes trotting down the road. As he sees the nuns, he mumbles, "Bah, the Catholics, if they haven't got the faith!"

rofl rofl

[UkrainianAmerican]

I don't know if this was already posted, but here's a decent one:

http://www.7fire.com/blondjoke.htm
lame, never loads.

[DANJANOU]

Anyone care to guess RussianAmerican's hair colour? :lol:

[UkrainianAmerican]

Anyone care to guess RussianAmerican's hair colour? :lol:
Brunette. I didnt wait for more then 20 seconds
ANd i suspected it from the begining. Thus it sucked.

[kutter]

Just some funny stories about the VDV I read at another forum.

During an arms expo, the press and visitors gather by the US Army gear exhibit: a huge American Airborne soldier in full gear with all the latest hi-tec gadgetry. There's a panel on his gear with three buttons, red, blue and white. When asked about their functiones, the Americans explained that these control the sophisticated internal thermoregulation and neurostimulation systems. When the soldier is too cold he activates the internal heating cuircutry by pressing the red button, the blue button will cool him down and the white button will inject stimulants that will let the soldier keep on fighting for an entire day even if he's dead tired. Impressed and awed the crowd moves on to the next booth which happens to be the Russian Army gear exhibit. There they see an big Russian VDV soldier in regular gear but with a huge and heavy metal door attached to his back on hinges. The Russian explain that this is the latest Russian innovation that works like this: when the soldier is too hot, he opens the door and cools down, when he's too cold, he shuts it and warms up, and when he's dead tired, he just ditches the damn thing and keeps on fighting for another week!

A Russian VDV soldier is on a date with a girl during his R&R. They are walking in a romantic park but they can't seem to make a good contact. So the girl assumes the initiative and says: "Well I've dated soldiers before and it's always very interesting. For example this communications guy told me so much about the stuff he does that I think I can use the Morse code now. And this tanker described the stuff they are taught in such an interesting way that I think I could drive a tank now. There must be some cool stuff they teach you too? The VDV pauses and then reluctantly says: "Do you really want me to break your jaw?"

1984, a VDV company is being sent to Afghanistan. After months of rigorous training and indoctrination the Sarge tells them when the plane is landing: "You are the elite, you will be fighting like crazy and destroy the enemy. In recognition, the command will pay a hundred roubles for each dukh's (haji) head." The plane lands and the eager VDV run out on the tarmac and into the city. Half an hour later the come back, some carry one head, some two, the recon guys bring an entire sack full of hadji's heads. The Sarge cries in horror: "What the **** have you done, idiots! This is still Tashkent, we've just landed for an hour to refuel on our way to Afghanistan!"

Two cops spot a drunken rowdy VDV soldier in a public park, and after some hesitation decide that he should be apprehended. "You go first", says one, "and then I'll avenge you".

Before a VDV company jumps for the first time, an instructor cheers them up on the runway: "Don't worry, statistically only one in a thousand chutes malfunctions, and there's only two hundred of you here".

A VDV Sergeant is instructing a groop of new VDV conscripts, he tells them that after VDV training they will be able to do all kinds of things that regular soldiers can't, for example drive 10-inch nails into the fence with their bare foreheads. The young conscripts are sceptical so the Sarge goes: "OK worms, allow me to demonstrate!" He takes one ten-incher, puts it to the wooden fence and rams it with his forehead. Despite all expectations, the nail doesn't go in, but simply bends. The Sarge is like, WTF? He takes five more and repeats the procedure, all nails bend but refuse to go in the fence. The conscripts are laughing and the Sarge is outraged, he looks to the check the other side of the fence and yells with relief: "****, I knew that the zampolit (XO's political deputy) was peeping on the other side!"

Yugoslavia, late 90's. A Russian VDV peacekeeper is chilling on top of a hill when a platoon of US Marines is passing by. He yells at them: "Hey ladies, I bet I could take any three of you!" and vanishes behind the hill. The American sergeant wants to teach the obnoxious Russian a lesson and sends three of the biggest meanest marines in the platoon. They go behind the hill, some violent struggle is heard then the same Russian shows up on top of the hill and yells again: "Told ya! I bet I can take your whole platoon you pussies!". The US Sergeant is outraged and commands his entire platoon to go and get him the Russian's head. The Marines charge and soon disappear behind the hill. More violent struggle is heard, then a single the American, badly messed up, emerges crawling from behind the hill and screams: "Sarge, call for backup immediately, it's an ambush! There's TWO of them there!"

[Salty Dog]

Yugoslavia, late 90's. A Russian VDV peacekeeper is chilling on top of a hill when a platoon of US Marines is passing by. He yells at them: "Hey ladies, I bet I could take any three of you!" and vanishes behind the hill. The American sergeant wants to teach the obnoxious Russian a lesson and sends three of the biggest meanest marines in the platoon. They go behind the hill, some violent struggle is heard then the same Russian shows up on top of the hill and yells again: "Told ya! I bet I can take your whole platoon you pussies!". The US Sergeant is outraged and commands his entire platoon to go and get him the Russian's head. The Marines charge and soon disappear behind the hill. More violent struggle is heard, then a single the American, badly messed up, emerges crawling from behind the hill and screams: "Sarge, call for backup immediately, it's an ambush! There's TWO of them there!"

how many ****ing times have i heard this joke. but last time i heard it it was a platoon of army soldiers v.s. 2 marines, and the time before that it was a platoon of marines v.s. 2 army rangers, and the time before that it was...etc. :cantbeli:

[stuntman]

A mushroom walks into a bar!
he ask the bartender "Can i have a drink?"
the bartender says no! The mushroom "says why not?"
The bartender says no your a mushroom!
the mushroom say" hey come on I'm a fun guy"

Get it Fun guy???
like fungus or fungi????!?!?!?
rim shot!
woot

[Ichhabe]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they
were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says,
"You know,
we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up
today.
I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and
spend
the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences
over the
campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That
night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up
into a canyon
and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat
out
and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The
wildflowers
were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How
was
your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of
railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman
tied to
the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and
we had
*** in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so
tired I
could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH
better than mine. Did
you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I
couldn't find her head."

[perdurabo]

ok (sorry Jewish friends but its funny)
Young jew goes to his father
-papa papa i found a girl she's so preaty i love her very much i want to marry her
-and wat's her family name
-Kowalski
-no no son no way! go find better girl...
next week son runs to father
-papa papa i found a girl she's so preaty i love her very much i want to marry her
-and wat's her family name
- Brown
-no no son no way! go find better girl...
So next week son tells his father
-father i found ideal girl she ain't preaty but her second name is Goldberg!
- and whats her name?
-Whoopie Goldberg !!

[Trigger]

Ichabe, that was just wrong. rofl

OK, two guys are sitting at the bar when one notices this really good looking woman checking him out.
He turns to his friend and says "Hey, she's smiling at me!"
"Well smile back" his friend says.
A few seconds later..."Hey, she just winked at me!" "Well wink back at her"
Then a moment later "Holy sh*t!" he exclaims, "She just showed me her ****!"
His friend says "Damn! well show her your nuts!"
So the guy sticks out his tongue, crosses his eyes and starts going "blablelahalahahheha...!"

[Scrim]

Good one Ichabe. rofl

So there's these two hillbillies sittin' on their porch in Mississipi.
Out of nowhere a beautiful blonde appears. She tells them that her car broke down, and can they help her? The brothers are quite happy to assist, and fix her car for her.
The Blonde asks how she can ever repay them. When the brothers look dumbfounded, the blonde as in every good joke, offers ***. The brothers agree happily. The Blonde pulls out two condoms for the boys.
" What the hells that thar rubber thing?" Asks a brother.
" Its a condom."replies the woman" "you can have *** with me but you have to wear these.You must promise not to take them off, because if you do ill get pregnant."
The brothers agree and have their way with her.
A Year later the same two brothers are sitting on the porch again.
"You remember that girl we done it with last year?" Asks one brother.
"Yes"
"Do you really give a **** if that bitch gets pregnant?"
"No"
"Well, lets take these damn rubber things of our ****s then!"

[Salty Dog]

rofl

[California Joe]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb.package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know >what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly" .

[ibstolidude]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb.package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know >what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly" .
NOW THAT
was funny.

[basket of soft kittens]

rofl rofl i swear i crapped my pants on that one. :D

[Kenshin]

A young man fell in love with the daughter of a family friend and told his father he wants to marry her. "You can't marry her," said the father.

"Why?" he asked.

"Your mother doesn't know it but that girl is your sister," the father replied. The young man went to his mother and reported what his father told him.

"Do you really love her?" the mother asked.

"Yes, very much."

"Then go ahead and marry her."

"But father said she is my sister."

"She's not," said the mother. "Your father doesn't know it, but you are not his son."

[Johnnyringo]

A Marine grunt and a Ranger are on a space available flight back to the states on a c130 when the engines start on fire and the three pilots run out the back of the plane and parachute to safety. Seeing there is only one parachute left the ranger says to the Marine,
"Hey square hat I've got an idea that could save both our asses..." he grabs his high speed tac light and says, "I'll put on the last parachute but stand back here and shine this beam down for you to slide down on and then I'll jump and meet you on the ground!" The Marine scratches his head thinking about it... he says,
"Bull****! You'll probably shut the light off before I get all the way to the ground!"

[Salty Dog]

A Marine grunt and a Ranger are on a space available flight back to the states on a c130 when the engines start on fire and the three pilots run out the back of the plane and parachute to safety. Seeing there is only one parachute left the ranger says to the Marine,
"Hey square hat I've got an idea that could save both our asses..." he grabs his high speed tac light and says, "I'll put on the last parachute but stand back here and shine this beam down for you to slide down on and then I'll jump and meet you on the ground!" The Marine scratches his head thinking about it... he says,
"Bull****! You'll probably shut the light off before I get all the way to the ground!"

rofl