Scrim
03-27-2004, 05:37 PM
Best Divorce letter
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>BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
>Dear Connie,
>I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during
>our
>"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left,
>swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
>little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to
>make contact.
>In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to
>me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's
>cost me a
>lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care
>about
>looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long
>as one of us does.
>Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And
>this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look
>for
>you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not
>you.
>They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos
>and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just
>to
>illustrate the depth of my desperation.
>She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that
>only
>youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I
>mean, just a
>perfect body. **** like you wouldn't believe and an *** that just
>wouldn't
>quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being
>blown by
>this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our
>lives. It's all so superficial.
>What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
>Well,
>in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
>better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
>attractive
>Connie?
>I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
>I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
>tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
>thinking,
>"Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless
>technique or her ****ty, shameless hunger, but something else.
>Some
>nagging feeling of loss.
>Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel
>the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I
>mean?
>Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going
>crazy
>without you.
>And everything I do just reminds me of you.
>Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn
>lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of
>lasagna.
>She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I
>didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
>Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know,
>we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total
>monster in
>the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman
>does
>when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether
>the kids
>can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
>grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
>it,
>right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes
>me
>sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put
>the
>mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and
>we
>never used it as a *** toy."
>Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining
>order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good
>head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this
>painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and
>about
>women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie,
>she
>really is. So
>we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
>happier
>times.
>Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do
>is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And
>that just
>about makes me cry.
>And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that
>gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about
>trying it
>and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.
>But do you
>see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
>cinnamon
>ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you
>must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all
>the
>grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
>If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
>Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is.
>Love, Dan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
>Dear Connie,
>I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during
>our
>"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left,
>swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded
>little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to
>make contact.
>In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to
>me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's
>cost me a
>lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care
>about
>looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long
>as one of us does.
>Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And
>this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look
>for
>you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not
>you.
>They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos
>and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just
>to
>illustrate the depth of my desperation.
>She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that
>only
>youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I
>mean, just a
>perfect body. **** like you wouldn't believe and an *** that just
>wouldn't
>quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being
>blown by
>this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our
>lives. It's all so superficial.
>What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed?
>Well,
>in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
>better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
>attractive
>Connie?
>I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
>I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
>tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
>thinking,
>"Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless
>technique or her ****ty, shameless hunger, but something else.
>Some
>nagging feeling of loss.
>Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel
>the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I
>mean?
>Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going
>crazy
>without you.
>And everything I do just reminds me of you.
>Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn
>lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of
>lasagna.
>She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I
>didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
>Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know,
>we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total
>monster in
>the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman
>does
>when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether
>the kids
>can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
>grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
>it,
>right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes
>me
>sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put
>the
>mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and
>we
>never used it as a *** toy."
>Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining
>order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good
>head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this
>painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and
>about
>women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie,
>she
>really is. So
>we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
>happier
>times.
>Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do
>is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And
>that just
>about makes me cry.
>And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that
>gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about
>trying it
>and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.
>But do you
>see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
>cinnamon
>ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you
>must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all
>the
>grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
>If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
>Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is.
>Love, Dan.