A Polish Divorce

[EvanL]

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quickly." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce whould depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No." he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?

POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?

POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom I can read it says, "Polish Remover."

[Fox2]

Nice.

:lol:

[basket of soft kittens]

rofl
oh yes

[mack pl]

Dlaczego Kanadyjczycy nie jedzą ogórków kiszonych??? Bo głowa nie mieści im sie do słoika ;)

[perdurabo]

Dlaczego Kanadyjczycy nie jedzą ogórków kiszonych??? Bo głowa nie mieści im sie do słoika ;)
hahaha dobre :)
głupi kanadol :fork: :fork:
Hey Evan eat THIS :slap: :slap: :slap:

[Herrmannek]

rofl Na pierwsze pytanie dałem się nabrać :)

[Rantanplan]

POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.


I think it should be "Tak tak" in the proper way. ;)

[Brzeczyszczykiewicz]

An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.

The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America."

The American then asks: "Do you have *** in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big
smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."
---
A man finds an old bronze statue of a rat in an antique store.

The shopkeeper says: "It's $10 for the statue, but $100 for the story
that goes with it."

The man skips the story, hands over $10, and starts to walk home with
the statue under his arm.

On the way, hundreds of rats start to follow along behind him.

The man runs to the nearest bridge and throws the statue in the water.
To his amazement all the rats follow the statue
and leap off the bridge to their deaths.

When the man returns to the store the owner says: "You've come back
for the story of the statue."

The man says: "No, I was wondering if you might have a bronze statue
of a Separatist."
---
Q: Why do Canadians screw doggy-style?
A: So both can watch the hockey game.
---
In Canada, there are only 2 seasons - six months of winter and 6 months of poor snowmobiling
---
When a Canadian thinks of Hell...he wonders what the heating bill must be.
---
An Ontarion, British Columbian and Newfee were on top of a cliff.

Suddenly, with a puff of smoke a genie appeared before them. The genie told the three men that if they jumped off the cliff, they'd land in whatever they yelled as they were jumping.

First to jump was the Ontarian. He accelerated towards the edge, jumped as far as he could whilst yelling 'MONEY!'. Sure enough, he landed in a mountain of cash and was filthy rich the rest of his life.

Next up was the British Columbian. He ran as fast as he could, jumped off the cliff and screamd, "GOLD!"
Sure enough, he landed in a huge pile of gold and was an instant Billionaire.

Then the Newfee ran as fast as he could, reached the edge of the cliff, tripped over a rock and screamed in pain as he fell downwards...

"SHIIIIITTTT!!!"
---
Why do Newfie dogs have flat noses?
From chasing parked cars.
---
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

:D

[mack pl]

EvanLoyd - we dont liked Polish jokes ;) But this canadian jokes are very funny, thx Brzeczyszczykiewicz ;) BTW moze mu ktos przetlumaczy mój kawał,bo ja sobie nie poradze :( Regards :)

[Fox2]

An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.

The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America."

The American then asks: "Do you have *** in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big
smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."

GOLD!!
rofl

[Rilence]

An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.

The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America."

The American then asks: "Do you have *** in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big
smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."
---
A man finds an old bronze statue of a rat in an antique store.

The shopkeeper says: "It's $10 for the statue, but $100 for the story
that goes with it."

The man skips the story, hands over $10, and starts to walk home with
the statue under his arm.

On the way, hundreds of rats start to follow along behind him.

The man runs to the nearest bridge and throws the statue in the water.
To his amazement all the rats follow the statue
and leap off the bridge to their deaths.

When the man returns to the store the owner says: "You've come back
for the story of the statue."

The man says: "No, I was wondering if you might have a bronze statue
of a Separatist."
---
Q: Why do Canadians screw doggy-style?
A: So both can watch the hockey game.
---
In Canada, there are only 2 seasons - six months of winter and 6 months of poor snowmobiling
---
When a Canadian thinks of Hell...he wonders what the heating bill must be.
---
An Ontarion, British Columbian and Newfee were on top of a cliff.

Suddenly, with a puff of smoke a genie appeared before them. The genie told the three men that if they jumped off the cliff, they'd land in whatever they yelled as they were jumping.

First to jump was the Ontarian. He accelerated towards the edge, jumped as far as he could whilst yelling 'MONEY!'. Sure enough, he landed in a mountain of cash and was filthy rich the rest of his life.

Next up was the British Columbian. He ran as fast as he could, jumped off the cliff and screamd, "GOLD!"
Sure enough, he landed in a huge pile of gold and was an instant Billionaire.

Then the Newfee ran as fast as he could, reached the edge of the cliff, tripped over a rock and screamed in pain as he fell downwards...

"SHIIIIITTTT!!!"
---
Why do Newfie dogs have flat noses?
From chasing parked cars.
---
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

:D
rofl

[Piotrek]

ql..joke flame war :D keep on going guys!! :)

[mack pl]

ql..joke flame war :D keep on going guys!! :)Staramy sie.Tez mógłbyś coś dorzucić ;)

[Vance]

Tirjgr Ffgrhr Zeelalda.


Look it's Polish

[mack pl]

Tirjgr Ffgrhr Zeelalda.


Look it's PolishHmmm,its look more like Swedish ;)

[Falco]

rofl woot :lol: Nice

[Piotrek]

ql..joke flame war :D keep on going guys!! :)Staramy sie.Tez mógłbyś coś dorzucić ;)

I wanted to translate Your joke ( heh - what a impudence..to translate something with my english skills :) ) but i doubt that those culinary-barbarians know what bunch-cucumbers are :P

[Seoulstriker]

Please translate, Piotrus. :) (or another polish guy)

[Brzeczyszczykiewicz]

I just couldn't resist myself :D
I wonder how Wholagun will react to these jokes :D

Every nation in attendance at an international symposium on elephants had to deliver a report on the animals.

France's report: "The Love Life of an Elephant."

America saw the economic values in: "Raising Elephants for Fun and Profit."

Great Britain had their own unique view: "The Elephant and the British Empire."

The Canadian report was, of course, typically Canadian... "The Elephant: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?"
---
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
---
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?" "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
---
President George W. Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency; "Our largest condom factory has exploded," Bush cried. "My people's favorite source of birth control is in jeopardy!
This is a disaster!"

"George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainment! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean.

"Oh, and one small favor, please?" said President George W."

"Oui?" replied Jean.

"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches long, with a 4 inch diameter?" asked Bush.

"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan.

"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, and sen'dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be rouge, blanc et bleu in colour, hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia'meter."

"That's easily done Jean. Anything else?"

"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem

MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM.
---
Two young boys were playing in the front yard of their Toronto home when the neighbour's rotweiller hops the fence and starts attacking one of the boys.

The other boy in a midst of shock picks up his hockey stick and smacks the dog over the back of the neck killing it instantly.

News of the event travelled fast and a couple of hours later a reporter from the Toronto Star shows up and is talking to the boy hero.

"I can see the headlines tomorrow, 'Toronto Maple Leaf fan uses hockey stick to deliver crushing blow to attacking dog'"

But the little boy replies, "But sir, I am not a Maple Leaf fan."

The reporter gathers himself and says, "Okay, 'Blue Jays fan uses stick to strike out attacking beast'."

Once again the little boy replies, "But sir, I am not a Blue Jays fan either."

"Well then what team do you like?"

"I like the Montreal Canadiens, sir!"

"Okay then, 'French Bastard kills neighbours beloved pet'"
---
^ jokes from Canadian site :D

[Piotrek]

ok - i will try.

I should be something like this:

Do You know why Canadians dont eat bunched cucumbers?? Because they cant fit theirs heads in to jar. :P

[Seoulstriker]

hahahahha. good one, piotrus. it's a decent translation. :D

[mack pl]

Yeah, good translation.My joke is good in english too ;)

[Piotrek]

it's a decent translation.


my english teacher should listen to this :)

[EvanL]

Dlaczego Kanadyjczycy nie jedzą ogórków kiszonych??? Bo głowa nie mieści im sie do słoika ;)
hahaha dobre :)
głupi kanadol :fork: :fork:
Hey Evan eat THIS :slap: :slap: :slap:
Calm down brother. I didnt make the joke up. I thought it was harmless. DOnt get so offended.

[EvanL]

An American is having his (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
and jam) when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to
him.

The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts
a conversation.

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In Canada,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
America." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then
we put all the peels, seeds,and left overs in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to
America."

The American then asks: "Do you have *** in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big
smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to Canada."
---
A man finds an old bronze statue of a rat in an antique store.

The shopkeeper says: "It's $10 for the statue, but $100 for the story
that goes with it."

The man skips the story, hands over $10, and starts to walk home with
the statue under his arm.

On the way, hundreds of rats start to follow along behind him.

The man runs to the nearest bridge and throws the statue in the water.
To his amazement all the rats follow the statue
and leap off the bridge to their deaths.

When the man returns to the store the owner says: "You've come back
for the story of the statue."

The man says: "No, I was wondering if you might have a bronze statue
of a Separatist."
---
Q: Why do Canadians screw doggy-style?
A: So both can watch the hockey game.
---
In Canada, there are only 2 seasons - six months of winter and 6 months of poor snowmobiling
---
When a Canadian thinks of Hell...he wonders what the heating bill must be.
---
An Ontarion, British Columbian and Newfee were on top of a cliff.

Suddenly, with a puff of smoke a genie appeared before them. The genie told the three men that if they jumped off the cliff, they'd land in whatever they yelled as they were jumping.

First to jump was the Ontarian. He accelerated towards the edge, jumped as far as he could whilst yelling 'MONEY!'. Sure enough, he landed in a mountain of cash and was filthy rich the rest of his life.

Next up was the British Columbian. He ran as fast as he could, jumped off the cliff and screamd, "GOLD!"
Sure enough, he landed in a huge pile of gold and was an instant Billionaire.

Then the Newfee ran as fast as he could, reached the edge of the cliff, tripped over a rock and screamed in pain as he fell downwards...

"SHIIIIITTTT!!!"
---
Why do Newfie dogs have flat noses?
From chasing parked cars.
---
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

:D
The first joke is actually about the french just changed around for some reason. We dont make croissants in Canada. Theyre FRENCH! :D

[mack pl]

Dlaczego Kanadyjczycy nie jedzą ogórków kiszonych??? Bo głowa nie mieści im sie do słoika ;)
hahaha dobre :)
głupi kanadol :fork: :fork:
Hey Evan eat THIS :slap: :slap: :slap:
Calm down brother. I didnt make the joke up. I thought it was harmless. DOnt get so offended.Eat cucumber ;)

[Piotrek]

Eat cucumber ;)

buhahhahahaha rofl rofl rofl

[Haiw]

The first joke is actually about the french just changed around for some reason. We dont make croissants in Canada. Theyre FRENCH! :D
Suuuure...blame it on the French again...
;)

[wholagun]

I wonder how Wholagun will react to these jokes


this has put in in between a hardplace and a rock.. I personally hate Polish jokes, in Canada I have fallen victim to more then one Polish joke. :-*$

Im firmly planing my ass on the fense on this one.

Although, one thing to the Poles living in Poland, if your gonna make fun o Canadians don't make fun of the military, Canadians do that themselves, same goes for the sepertists, and Jean Cretien. Hockey is a sensative one, especially when Canada losses.

now before I get clobbered by fellow Canadians I shall depart. One thing I don't get is, why cucombers?

[Herrmannek]

Now before I get clobbered by fellow Canadians I shall depart. One thing I don't get is, why cucombers?
In Poland cucombers are ussualy sold in jars, and this joke was remake one about polish militiamen with were indoctrinated dumbasses(comunist police name)

[Herrmannek]

Beo Don't lock this thread :), this is joke war no one will get hurt...

[flickme]

rofl rofl . Funny.

[Piotrek]

Wow, I thought that only in USA people buy fat burgers with fat chickens, fat fries and diet coke, but it seems that people in Canada do the same -> http://www.militaryphotos.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=11560

:)