At the weekly cabinet meeting
Cabinet secretary: "Good morning, everyone. We have a full agenda this week. The first item is the Mideast peace plan that President Barak Obama is going to announce next week, and the return to negotiations with the Palestinians. These are matters that require ..."
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu: "Allow me. I think that first of all, there is the urgent, acute, perhaps even to a large extent existential question of the Stockholm blood-libel terror incident."
Minister Stas Misezhnikov: "Holerot [other Russian and Polish-Yiddish expletives unclear]!"
Minister Eli Yishai: "In'al dinak [other Arabic expletives unclear]!"
Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman: "Grrrrrr ..."
PM: "Please, please! This is a meeting of the cabinet, and it is a serious cabinet, and I must ask all present to maintain their composure and to control their emotions, however difficult that is - and I know how difficult it is. No one knows as well as I do how vicious this libel is. It's the latest in a long series of such terrorist acts - from the 1840 Damascus libel to the Beilis libel in 1913, and everything in between and since. And, as you recall, they even blamed us for the Reichstag fire. But this government, unlike its predecessors, does not intend to take this pogrom sitting down. As you know, it was started by that Nazi newspaper, the Judenblut ..."
PM: "Accordingly, as a preliminary measure, I have instructed all relevant ministries to deploy for an offensive, both to repulse this despicable libel and also to establish deterrence against such pogroms in the future. I have ordered the Foreign and Defense Ministries to be on full alert for any developments on the Scandinavian terror front."
Minister Silvan Shalom: "When I was foreign minister ..."
Lieberman: "Silence, everyone! There's no need for more discussion. Everything's all taken care of. I have already put the Swedes in their place. I have reminded them of their role in the transports and the crematoria. I summoned the Swedish ambassador. I took her to the window and pointed out the place here in Jerusalem where that anti-Semitic count of theirs, Bernadotte, got what was coming to him. I also mentioned what happened to that anti-Semite Olof Palme. I have only one thing to say: She turned as pale as Absolut vodka."
Minister Benjamin Ben-Eliezer: "I-I-I-I'll tell you. Their meatballs are something. Really something!"
Minister Yuval Steinitz: "Yvet, you should have defenestrated that ambassador. That means throw her out of the window, you know, like what happened to Jan Masaryk, although we are not Czechoslovakia, and we will never agree to be Czechoslovakia!"
Minister Uzi Landau: "We should simply take those Munich Accords, which aren't worth the paper they're written on, and tear them to shreds. And, as an immediate response, not only stop the talks with the Palestinians, but build another 2,000 housing units in Abu Dis. You want barricades? Let's meet at the barricades!"
PM: "It's already being done. Let them just dare say a word now about the settlements and Jerusalem, those Swedes with their race laws!"
Chairman of the National Security Council: "Cut the crap! We must get rid of the cloud of ambiguity here. I myself have taken the initiative and phoned the Swedish foreign minister, that Petliura-like pogromist, and hinted that the distance between Tel Aviv and Stockholm is only twice as great as the distance to Tehran."
Minister Isaac Herzog: "And I say, I say that reasonably speaking ..."
Minister Ehud Barak: "Enough nattering! Even as you are all going on and on here, I received a report that three Swedish reporters have been approaching Israeli territorial space. The matter is being dealt with. We are also deploying to deal with the visit from the Swedish foreign minister, although I don't think the Iron Dome anti-missile system will be operational by then."
Steinitz: "We must tell the head of the Government Press Office to throw those Sturmers into solitary. With a kettle cord."
Minister Yitzhak Aharonovitch: "That's all right. He has already threatened them with a syringe."
Secretary: "Gentlemen, ministers! Another item on the agenda is the economic situation. The governor of the central bank has notified us that ..."
Lieberman: "Shut up. There's also the matter of Norwegian anti-Semitism: They've not only refused to condemn or to burn the books of that anti-Semitic writer Knut Hamsun, they're even celebrating his birthday."
Minister Yisrael Katz: "In my estimation, that's worth at least five more settlements."
Shalom: "When I was foreign minister ..."
Lieberman: "I've also received reports of grave anti-Semitic attacks in Ipswich, England. A mini-market owner said there's no more 'joos.' We're checking if he meant Jews or juice."
Minister Benny Begin: "I wonder, ladies and gentlemen, whether Perfidious Albion should have a say in any matter."
Secretary: "And what about preparations for the talks with the Palestinians. It says here on the agenda that ..."
Lieberman: "That's taken care of. We've distributed the photo of the Mufti with Hitler. So, there has been progress, at least on our side."