Neighborhood in shock as Adambalhetchet is accused of displaying flagrant homo******ity
NEW YORK - A usually calm New York neighborhood is in shock this evening as one of their own has begun to display signs of flagrant homo******ity. Adambalhetchet was seen this morning talking with a strong lisp and bragging about the prior night's homoerotic adventures with a bartender referred to as "Bubba".
Police then proceeded to apprehend Mr. Adambalhetchet after the suspect threatened to strike an officer with a rubber *****. While being taken into custody, it was reported that the suspect made repeated attempts to "tap some ass" with several police officials, but no one was available to confirm these findings.
Mr. Adambalhetchet was released from the county jail late this evening after bail of $150,000 was posted by the suspect's friend "Bubba", who was later stopped on the street for possession of a jet-black double-headed rubber *****.
Here's the latest "script":
Originally Posted by EvanLloyd's script
NEW YORK - "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Adambalhetchet told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of New York Hospital. Adambalhetchet, and homo****** partner "Kiki", had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up the ****** and slipped Ragnar , our gerbil, in," explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that Kiki had enough. I tried to retrieve Ragnar but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Adambalhetchet's hair and severely burning Adambalhetchet's face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Adambalhetchet suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Kiki suffered first and second degree burns to the anus and lower intestinal tract.