Reply With QuoteWhy can't you ask a welshman how many lovers he had?
He'll fall asleep.
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
Why can't you ask a welshman how many lovers he had?
He'll fall asleep.
This one is old as fvck and has probably been posted here since the early 2000s:
Top 10 Gun Safety Tips:
10. Always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction. Such as at a hippy or a commie.
9. Dumb children may get a hold of your guns and shoot each other. If your children are dumb, put them up for adoption to protect your guns.
8. No matter how responsible he seems. Never give your gun to a monkey.
7. If guns make you nervouse. Drink a bottle of whiskey before heading to the range.
6. When unholstering your weapon. It's customary to say "Excuse me while I whip this out"
5. Don't load your gun unless you are ready to shoot something or are just feeling angry.
4. If your gun misfires, never look down the barrel. Have someone else do it for you.
3. Never use your gun to pistol whip someone. It could mar the finish.
2. No matter how excited you are about buying your first gun. Never run around yelling "I HAVE A GUN. I HAVE A GUN."
1. And the most important rule of gun safety. DON'T MAKE ME MAD!
A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.”
“That's right,” said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
“Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."
Hahahhahahhahhahhaaaaa I just got it.Originally Posted by Dirtydiaper
HAHahAAH, it took me days to understand what's the joke about.
You must be Irish, b/c my **** is Dublin.
A couple seeks professional help from a shrink for their troubled marriage.
Shrink: Tell me about your *** life, is there anything out of normal ?
Husband: Yeah, we are totally into S&M.
Shrink: Can you tell me a little more about it ?
Husband: Sure, she sleeps and I masturbate
Halfway through my shift at Jessops, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.
Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over. "Would you like the negatives?" I asked.
"Yes please," he said sheepishly.
I said, "Your wife's got saggy **** and a fat arse."
Have you guys heard the one about the child with aids?
- It never gets old.
(I'm so going to hell...)
7 phases of a battle plan
1. Wild enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Total confusion
5. Search for the guilt
6. Punishment of innocents
7. Promotion for the non-participants
Truly retarded...(only works with a pic)
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
A Man was in a big supermarket buying a 2 large bags of dog biscuits for his 2 dogs.
He was standing in the queue at the till when the woman behind him asked if he had a dog.
Thinking it was a very stupid question he replied on impulse. “No, I’m starting The Dog Food Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but by then I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.”
Shocked, the woman said “50 pounds?”.
“Yes”, he replied, “it was essentially the perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with dog biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I am going to try it again.”
At this point everyone in the queue was enthralled with the story.
However the woman was horrified and asked if he’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because he had been poisoned.
“No”, he said “It was because I was sitting in the road licking my nuts when a car hit me.”
Stupid woman……….why else would he be buying dog food??
Posting Permissions
