How do you fix your dish washer? You beat her.
Will you please state your age?
I am 94 years old.
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Did you know him?
No, but he sure was friendly.
What happened after he sat down?
He started to rub my thigh.
Did you stop him?
No, I didn't stop him.
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
What happened next?
He began to rub all over my body.
Did you stop him then?
No, I did not stop him.
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
What happened next?
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Did he take you?
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' …………….And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release of his album 'Bad'.So, nearly 3 years after his death, he's still finding his way down children's throats.
I dont remember where i heard it, but viagra affects your memory.
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
Why can't you ask a welshman how many lovers he had?
He'll fall asleep.
This one is old as **** and has probably been posted here since the early 2000s:
Top 10 Gun Safety Tips:
10. Always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction. Such as at a hippy or a commie.
9. Dumb children may get a hold of your guns and shoot each other. If your children are dumb, put them up for adoption to protect your guns.
8. No matter how responsible he seems. Never give your gun to a monkey.
7. If guns make you nervouse. Drink a bottle of whiskey before heading to the range.
6. When unholstering your weapon. It's customary to say "Excuse me while I whip this out"
5. Don't load your gun unless you are ready to shoot something or are just feeling angry.
4. If your gun misfires, never look down the barrel. Have someone else do it for you.
3. Never use your gun to pistol whip someone. It could mar the finish.
2. No matter how excited you are about buying your first gun. Never run around yelling "I HAVE A GUN. I HAVE A GUN."
1. And the most important rule of gun safety. DON'T MAKE ME MAD!
A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.”
“That's right,” said the doctor.. He then began to *****e her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having se[*******"#000000"]x[/COLOR]ual *********** with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
“Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
You must be Irish, b/c my **** is Dublin.
A couple seeks professional help from a shrink for their troubled marriage.
Shrink: Tell me about your *** life, is there anything out of normal ?
Husband: Yeah, we are totally into S&M.
Shrink: Can you tell me a little more about it ?
Husband: Sure, she sleeps and I *********e