Post a retarded joke

[AroundTheCorner]

how do you fuck a fat girl?



roll her in flour and aim for the wet spot

[SuchIsLife]

Question: Is *** Work?

Answer: A Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of *** was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favour of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The Colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

[SuchIsLife]

Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights..

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"...

[SuchIsLife]

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official,
"You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances..
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued,
"Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official
for over a minute and then calmly replied.
"When white man find land, Indians running it.
No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work,
Medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing;
All night having ***."


Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
"Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."

[That_weird_guy]

Just heard this one on the radio. Didn't make me laugh...

A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian went to an island. What happened?

Norwegian shot them all...

[Darklord]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in the Middle East and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought - "Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 480 BC"...

Shamelessly stolen

[valtrex]

-A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

-I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.

-Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

-I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

[Ledanek]

when I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof ... I was shocked!

[Alpheus]

"Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 480 BC"...

+1

1234567890

[BlackFlag]

My Dad used to tell this one. Hoping it's not already in here.

Along time ago in Ireland, your great great Grandfather Seamus was walking home from a pub. It was a nice night for a stroll, and half way through the walk, he spotted a figure moving quickly down the road.

Thinking it may be a lost child, he ran to catch up. When he finally reached the little person, he was amazed to find it was a Leprechaun!

Knowing the lore, Seamus knew that if you caught a Leprechaun, he had to grant you three wishes.

So Seamus, said: "I caught you, Leprechaun, you now have to grant me three wishes"

The Leprechaun retorted, "Aye, I will grant you your wishes, BUT, whatever you wish for, your Mother-in-law will receive double!"

So Seamus rubbed his chin, and thought of his first wish. "Leprechaun", he said. "I would like a chest full of gold."

"Done. But your Mother-in-law gets two chests of gold!"

Seamus thought about his second wish. "Leprechaun, I want a nice house on a fine hill"

"Done. But your Mother-in-law gets an even nicer house, on an even finer hill!" exclaimed the Leprechaun.

Seamus, knowing he had only one wish, pondered long, and hard as to what he would wish for.

"Leprechaun", Seamus grinned. "I want you to beat me half to death."

[muck]

You sure have heard enough blind jokes and couldn't see the humour in it. I can't stand the cripple jokes either. Black jokes are equally as bad, they're just so dark. And the 9/11 jokes are just plane wrong. So, can I tell a rape joke or would that be forcing it?

(Don't ban me for this one... it already got me a ticket to hell. )

[Elliott70]

^^ lol. I had to read it twice. I thought you were having a rant

[twinblade]

David n Michael were lost in the Sahara desert. They were dying of thirst when they saw a masjid. David said: "Look, let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or water. I'm going to call myself "Ahmed." Michael refused to change his name, and said:I will not pretend to be other than but what I am!" The Imam of masjid received both well and asked their names. David said:"My name is Ahmed" Michael said :"My name is Michael" The Imam turned to his helpers and said: 'Please bring food and water for Michael only' than he turned to David and said: Dear Ahmed RAMADAN MUBARAK

_______________________________________________

You wouldn't steal a car.
You wouldn't steal a film.

So why pirate a movie?

Because I don't like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn...

_______________________________________________

The shootings at the cinema in Denver have ruined the Batman film for me.

All I can see in my pirated copy of the movie is the audience running about.

___________________________________________________________

Whatever you do, try not to cough while making a *** tape.

Most couples don't like to discover that they're being watched.

[kalerab]

These are several jokes which were popular during socialism. Hopefully our Russian members won´t be offended by the last one

Guy walks on the main square in Bratislava and is shouting "Fvcked up regime, fvcked up regime."
Two cops nearby heard that and arrested him immediately. "We are arresting you defamation of state and our socialistic regime."
"Wait a minute!" guy answer "But I was talking about capitalistic regime."
But cops are not being fooled and say "Don´t screw with us, we know which regime is fvcked up."

Border police caught gipsy and they are asking him "Hey, gypsy, what are you doing here?"
"I am running to Soviet Union."
"But this is Austrian border."
"My love for Soviet Union knows no borders."

Seven wonders of Czechoslovak regime
1. Everyone is employed.
2. Despite that that everyone is employed, no one works.
3. Even though no one works, plan is being met.
4. Despite plan being met, shops do not have goods.
5. Despite no goods, everyone has everything.
6. Even though everyone has everything, everyone is stealing.
7. Despite all that thievery, nothing is missing.

Guy stands in Bratislava and is shouting "For three thousand air tickets to New York! For three thousand air tickets to New York!"
Other guys stands by and is asking him: "Those are two-way tickets?"
First guy turns around and shouts "For three thousand air tickets to New York, we are not taking fools, for three thousand air tickets to New York!"

According to Soviet state agency, poet Majakovskij committed a suicide. His last words before death were "Comrades, don´t shoot, I am yours!"

To a pub came Soviet occupational soldier and ordered a beer. Waitress brought him one, soldier drank his beer and ate beermat. This repeated itself for 7 times. On eight waitress brought him beer but without beermat. Surprised soldier just asks her
"I što, keksis nebudet?" (And what? No cookie?)

[muck]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his butt.