Reply With QuoteWhat do you get when you cross a sheep with a chicken?
A media spectacle about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
If you have *** 365 times a year and you melted down all the condoms to make a tire, what would you call it? A fucking Goodyear!
What do you get when you cross a sheep with a chicken?
A media spectacle about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
Jesus is being crucified and hanging on the cross when John approaches.
John asks: "Jesus, how may I serve you in your time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGG!"
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not conscious and incapable of feeling fear.
Not sure if these are reposts
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha, I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.
The wife says, “What the hell was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”
The Frenchman says, “I take ze poison.” The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and drinks it down.
The Englishmen says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol; he points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says. “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over – the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, “What are you doing?”
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, “So much for your canoe, asshole!”It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. It’s very, very important that these four women don’t know each other.
Got this by mail, probably a repost:
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Whats green and smells of pork?
.....Kermits fingers.
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, ****** orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy
A Scottish soldier in full ceremonial No.1 dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.
How much to repair it ?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one ?"
"Ten pence."
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.
A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.
"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says, "We'll have a new one."
Whats blue and knocks on the window?
.....A baby in an aqaurium.
Two hippes bought a camel instead of a car to protest Mid East oil.
At a stop light a guy in the car next to them remarks "hey look at the two assholes on that camel." The two hippes get off to look behind the camel. The camel takes off runnin. HAHA
Why does the ocean roar?
....Well so would you if you had crabs on your bottom.
I want more!!!!!!!!
What the difference between Madeline McCann and the jokes about her.
The jokes will get old.
A man wakes up in Hospital
"Doctor Doctor, I cant feel my legs!"
"Thats because we cut your arms off!"
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