Reply With Quote
We're no strangers to love...
You know the rules, and so do I.
I think I just killed the intertubez...
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
--
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
--
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
--
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
--
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin".
--
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
--
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
--
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
--
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
--
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
--
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
--
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
--
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?".
--
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
--
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".
--
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".
--
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
--
Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
--
A seal walks into a club...
--
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
--
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
--
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
--
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
--
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Last edited by PeterRJG; 04-01-2008 at 04:51 PM. Reason: Spacing
We're no strangers to love...
You know the rules, and so do I.
I think I just killed the intertubez...
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope wasn't strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.
They weren't able to designate a person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and she was used to always making sacrifices, with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
Whats the definition of relative humidity??
Your uncle's breath on the back of your neck
The Worst Age
"Sixty is the worse age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, and sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Ugly Bus:
Bus of of ugly people are driving along a winding mountain pass. Now, I can't stress enough how ugly these people are. The police closed the road just to allow their ugliness to never blight the lives of innocent people.
Unfortunately, the ugly driver (well of course) decided to doze off, resulting in the ugly bus with the ugly people having a very ugly accident. All the ugly people died.
The ugly people get to heaven and as they're about to enter the pearly gates, St. Peter feels sorry for the ugly people lined up and decides he'll grant them one last wish.
He asks the first ugly person in the queue what their wish is:
"I'd love to be pretty, as I've always been ugly"
St. Pete does his hocus pocus and the ugly person is magically pretty.
The second person in line replies:
"That's a great idea, I want to be pretty too"
Now, this carries on along the line of ugly people. Everyone thinks its a brilliant idea. As St. Pete is making his way to the back of the line of remaining ugly people he notices the last ugly person having a laughing fit. He ignores it for now and carries on making people pretty.
As he gets to the second to last ugly person, the last uggo is colapsed a fit of hysterical laughter. Finally St. Pete gets to the last ugly person and asks him his wish.
The ugly person wipes a tear from their eye and replies:
"Make them all ugly again"
--------------------------------------------------
Three Bullets:
One day a heavily pregnant woman, expecting triplets, is walking down a non descript shopping street. She's about to pass by a local bank, when a masked robber armed with a handgun comes running out, alarm bells ringing.
The masked man crashes into the woman, and as he gets up he is so incensed about this preggo getting in his way, he shoots her three times in the belly.
She's rushed to hospital, where after numerous hours i surgery, the Doctors declare that she's fine and the babies are fine too (aawww, bless). A month later, she gives birth to 2 girls and a boy.
*16 years later*
The mother is sitting in her armchair one day, knitting something useless, when one of her daughters comes in:
"Mum, mum. Something really strange happened"
"Whats wrong? You know you can tell me anything"
"Well, its a bit embarrasing but... well... I was having a wee, and a bullet came out"
The mother thinks for a while and then explains the incident 16 years ago with the masked robber, and assures the daughter its nothing to worry about.
A couple of days later her other daughter comes in to the living room:
"Mum, mum. Something really strange happened"
"Whats wrong? You know you can tell me anything"
"Well, I was having a pee, and a bullet came out."
The mother reassures the daughter and tells her the same happened to her sister, and tells her the story of the masked robber. Second daughter is easily assured and goes off to carry on living her little life.
A few days pass again, and the son comes into the living room.
"Mum, mum. Something really strange happened"
The mum's pretty sure she knows whats happened:
"Yes, I know. You were having a pee and a bullet came out. Your sisters had the same thing happen to them"
"Well... ermm,.... no, not quite mum."
"Oh... what happened?"
"Well.... you see... I was kinda... well... I was having a wank.... And I shot the dog"
One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"
"My lord, what language!" says the mother.
"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"
"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fu*kers are all right.".
Messiah UKF those two were great but The Starfox Kid that joke was outstanding!
You want to know a joke?
Chinese Human Rights
Simple and too the point.
It is becoming an oxymoron.Originally Posted by Hippo
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. T
he man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
-----
Hoping to suprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he said, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
This one is not my but i found it on a different forum. i find it extremly funny ahha. if it offends anyone i will remove it. pls pm me.
"I once heard a story about a crazy Bosnian extremist that ate babies and had *** with chickens,
he commanded an army of 600,000 Islamic terrorist devils that roamed the Balkans in search of chickens for him to
rape (very evil)...but fortunetly, 2 Serbs and a Russian defeated the army by beheading them with their
*****es...when they examined the bodies, they found gay ****agraphy in their pockets - it seems the chicken rapist
was paying them with gay ****"
So where's the funny?
hmm looks like only the balkan people understand that :/
Posting Permissions
